Single Mothers (Single Parent) Raising Sons: What works & what does not work

I am trying to get my son to stand up for his self...

2008-12-22T00:45:00.002-05:00

Hello,

I am trying to get my son to stand up for his self ( 10 years old). His father is selfish and in my son's life at his convinence. Sometimes I feel I am to hard on my son and then I just shut down. I can't get angry; nevertheless, I am doing the best I can. I try to talk to his dad but he is to concerned about his girlfriend.

I have been dealing with him for nine years and I am tired. I give up on his father and I told his father that! Lord I need some advice and help. I am a successful professional women and his father resents that! He often tell my son he has to much. Nevertheless he is no where around!

When I treat his father with kindness he acts like she just wants me. When I treat his father like he deserves to be treated his father says why am I so mean. I do not know!

Respectfully,
What to do

Please post comments and suggestions. You do not need to use your real name.

So what are YOUR biggest concerns raising your Son?

2008-10-26T21:21:00.004-05:00

So what are YOUR biggest concerns raising your Son? Let's hear from YOU about it! Email us directly at men@toinquire.com We want to hear your stories about what works and what does not work, you can stay anonymous or give your name.

Whatever you say you are going to do..DO!

2008-05-01T20:03:00.002-05:00

Anonymous said...
Hello. I am a single parent of a 6year old boy. I am not with his father and my son and his father do not have any contact. That in itself presents other problems that I am just starting to recognize and deal with and I can discuss those at a later time. However, I would like to comment on the two mom's that are having discipline problems with their sons. First as women and mothers - we talk TOO much. We try an negotiate and let our children run our lives and we tend to reward bad behavior. What ever you say you are going to do you have to follow through. A male friend of mine game me some wonderful advice. He said, I tell my son the cause and effect of his actions. If he does this - then I will do that. Period and then I follow through and do it. In regards to the 17 years old - he is almost grown now. However, there is NO way I'm going to pay for food, housing, clothing, etc and have a bad kid running my house and I am especially not going to be afraid in my own house. Little boys turn into men. Little boys and teenages try to see just how far they can go. At some point - mother of the 17 year old - your son is going to hit you. You still may be able to get your leverage back. Stop buying food, stop buying clothes, stop arguing - get on the defensive. Why are you afaid in your own house? You wouldn't let a stranger just up and walk in your house and take it over - why are you letting your son do it. Say what you mean and do it. To the mother of the 7 year old - if you are having problems know what are you going to do when he is big enough to hit you. You can take control back too by saying what you mean and following through. You have to be consistent. No is No. In the old days - parents discliplined their children - now parents want to be friends with their kids. Guess what - you cannot be friends with your children. You are their protectors, their providers, and we love them - but we cannot be their friends - it does not work as you can see. Finally, I feel that my ultimate responsibility with my son is to raise a son that is spiritual and knows God, that is mannerable and to provide him with the best education and social situations so that he can grow into a good man that is worthy to take a wife and raise a family. How we raise our sons has the potential of affecting generations after generations. Remember - that men that have bad relationships with their mothers tend to have bad relationships with women in general. So now is the time for you to suck it up, stop talking and do what you say you are going to do. You are the parent, and your child is exactly that - a child. Treat them like a child. For the mom of the 7 year old - you do not let your son hit you even for play. That is definitely something that is not to be tolerated.

Single Parenting: Rising to the occasion.

2008-04-12T14:05:00.005-05:00

As the single parent of two wonderful (now adult) children I know the difficulties single parents face. This isn’t just an issue for single mothers, but single fathers as well. Raising healthy happy and confident children is crucial to their adult years. This is true for both sons and daughters, but many single parents fall short when it comes to raising their sons.

My perspective comes from raising my children with zero input from their father. If you are fortunate enough to have the father’s involvement even though you are not together, then work together. Show a unified front to the children (even if you don’t like one another). Show your child that you are both focused on their well being. Show them you can rise above personal feelings and do the right thing for the right reason. That alone will have a major impact on their views of right and wrong as well as their self worth.

When I was asked to write a piece on my experience as single mother and raising a strong confident empowered son I was eager to do so. But, I didn’t have different rules or guidelines for my children. I raised them both as individuals. When all is said and done the same rules apply, the same challenges are faced by both our sons and daughters. We no longer live in the days when more were expected of men than of women. And should our daughters one day be faced with single parenting; shouldn’t they also know these rules?

However, many of our actions as a mother can have a larger impact on our sons, than on our daughters so I will focus on those. If you want your son to become a good man there are several key factors that will hinder or help you along the way.

First and foremost, never compare the child to their father unless it is in a positive light. The problems and issues that led to the father being absent are not the child’s fault. The actions of either parent should never cast a shadow on the child’s self worth. Yet I see so many who compare the child (most often the son) to their father and the child subconsciously begins to believe they will become the same type of person. When mom does not respect and/or love the father any longer and the child believes they are just like the father (in a negative sense) the child cannot feel truly loved and valued, nor can they love themselves.

The next thing to always keep in mind is that everyone you bring into a child’s life and especially a son’s life is a role model. As the mother you will influence your daughter(s) the most, but you and many others will influence your son. You need to KNOW the morals and values these other people have and the impact those values will have on your son. This includes family as well as friends. A young boy is by far better off without a male role model than he is with the wrong male role model.

My children were raised without a father, and without family nearby. I was very cautious who I allowed to influence my children. Many volunteered, very few were allowed. I see people who make promises to children and never keep them. This behavior is allowed because they are a friend not the father. WRONG!! Never allow someone, no matter who they are to break a promise to your child. If they do it once, they will do it again. Your son will grow up believing it is ok to break a promise; that things come up and interfere with keeping ones word. Is that what you want your child to learn?

Gee, mom thinks the world of this man, he is the uncle, brother, grandfather or friend, and he never kept his word so that must be ok. The child had to accept that and in turn will grow up to believe his children (and others) will also accept it. Naturally, things do occur and plans do change, but your acceptance of this will be burned into your child’s mind. The lifestyle of your friends and family members will also impact your son. Be careful what you “imply” you approve of. Many of us do not agree with the choices our friends and relatives make but we love them anyway. That is fine, but make sure your child knows YOUR values, not those of others.

In order to raise a strong confident and empowered son we need to show them we believe in them and their judgment. Children and especially sons need to have faith in their judgment and need to know we have faith in them as well. We cannot make decisions for our kids; we need to provide them with the skills and tools to make those decisions for themselves. That is our duty as a parent. We need to teach them that making mistakes is what leads to making the right choices in the long run; providing they also learn from those mistakes. Most of all we need to teach our children to own their responsibility. This is especially true for our sons. Our duty as a parent is to guide and teach, not to live their life for them.

A young boy will always seek approval from a single mother. Make certain he knows you will listen and guide, but that he is responsible for making the decisions and that you “know” that if he checks his heart and conscious he will make the right choice. Most importantly is listening and “hearing”. You may hear things you don’t want to hear, you may be asked questions you are not comfortable answering, but you need to rise to the occasion and be the ONE they know they can turn to.

We all know it is not easy to always be the bad guy. The only one who disciplines, the only one who says no. But we also need to remember that being a single parent does not excuse our willingness to let things slide, nor does it excuse their behavior. Do not allow your child to use the excuse they don’t have a father to turn to. You need to be both mother and father. You need to show your child that their self worth is not tied to how many parents they have.

We live in a society where people make excuses rather than owning their responsibility. Don’t allow that to be you and your child’s lifestyle. Depending on the situation and the level of involvement from the father it is up to you to show your son that no matter what else occurs he and he alone can be whoever he sets his mind to be. He doesn’t need to worry about who others are or how they live. He only needs to be proud of who he is.

I think the most important thing any parent can do, whether single or married, is to let your child know he can always turn to you. No matter what the topic is he can ask you and know you will listen. He can tell you and count on you to ACT not to REACT. Huge difference ladies! Be prepared, you will be tested, but in the long run you and your children will grow closer.

Be honest about your own life. As a parent, and especially a single parent, our children want to believe we are saints and never make a mistake. But in the long run they benefit far more by hearing we do make mistakes and we learned from them. Don’t be afraid to show your son the real you.

I have a hard and fast rule in my life. Never date or marry someone who isn’t good enough for my child or my best friend. If the man in your life was dating your sister, your daughter, your best friend…… would you approve? A child whether male or female knows and picks up on so very much we do. Mom’s, if you are dating ask yourself this question. Is he someone you want your son to become or someone you want your daughter to marry one day? Not the actual person, but the character and integrity of that person. Are YOU the woman you want your son to one day find and marry? Are your friends good examples of what you want your children to grow up and become?

As adults we can separate and value the good in people, and understand each person’s right to make their own choices whether we approve or not. But children take everything at face value. Make sure they see you living the life you want for them. Make sure they know the value and importance of leading and not following. Allow them to test and learn and they will become the man or woman you want them to be.

Sheilah Etheridge

From the Single Mothers Raising Son's Blog: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

A message that we have senT to many boys..

2008-04-06T12:39:00.005-05:00

What is the message we send boys about being a mature man?

A possible message that we have sent to many boys (posted to encourage discussion). The person that posted the quoted material requested to be anonymous:

"Hello little boy, we want you to grow up to be a good man but we won't be clear what that is... We will tell you all that’s wrong with just being a man but hide the unique value. Oh by the way, you can get a clear image of being a "bad guy" everywhere. And it is good to be in-touch with your feminine side but your wife may hate you for it in the long run. Also, if you show any aggression or too much exuberance as a boy we will send you to the principal. We will ring all the passion out of you if it looks in any way like aggression then wonder why you don’t take enough initiative in life. As your sex drive develops we will just tell you it is bad and shame you about it, forcing it into the shadows. Don't you realize you are the "privileged one", you have everything, don't you feel it? You are male so you have all the power and are to blame for all the problems. "

Is that not the signal we send when we have not answered the following questions?

What is the unique value of men?

What is the unique value of the masculine?

What is the unique value of fathers?

Are we afraid that just by exploring this it will take something away from women and children, instead of realizing that by NOT exploring this we already are taking something away from women and children?

Consider that when there is less room for the healthy masculine, there will be less room for the healthy feminine. Post your comments or email them to be posted to women@toinquire.com

Again this is presented for discussion not as some dogmatic fact. What is your reaction, experience, etc.

A book for Boys! The Dangerous Book for Boys (Hardcover)

2008-02-21T02:41:00.006-05:00

A book for Boys! The Dangerous Book for Boys

Click here to see the book on Amazon.

"I'm a single mom of a teenager (age 15) and wish this had been around when he was younger. His dad skipped the country and he has no grandfathers either. Basically, no male role models period. Is this 'boys stuff' that I could do with him?"

"I've done a bunch of this stuff with my son (8) already! In this day and age, you don't have to be a male to build go karts or tie knots or make batteries. We have had so much fun with this book."
[Quotes from Single Moms on Amazon.]

A New book and post...Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today's Young African American Men

2008-01-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

Author of: Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today's Young African American Men

RAISING CONFIDENT CHILDREN

By Kimberley R. Crouch

My eight year old son Julius’s confidence is quite remarkable. At 8, he believes he can do anything he sets his mind to. I sometimes sit in awe of the belief he has in himself. If you ask him, he will tell you he thinks he can do everything from fly an airplane to build a spaceship. The truth is most children my son’s age belief in their abilities are truly boundless. Most think they can do anything because they exhibit very little fear and trust themselves completely.

Unfortunately, much of this confidence dissipates as they progress towards adulthood because they begin to experience failure and setback and parents, teachers, and other meaningful adults in a quest to protect children from life’s failures unknowingly teach them cautious boundaries. The result is that children start to doubt themselves and never strive to strengthen their capabilities, which comes from making mistakes. In the end, these once confident children become cautious, predictable, risk averse adults. As an African-American mother, I think it’s particularly important that African-American parents do everything we can to ensure that our children feel empowered and confident because it provides the validation necessary to deal with challenges they will face as adults in a racist society.

There are three steps I think parents can take to ensure their children remain confident and empowered.

1. Recognize Failures as Opportunities To Learn. As adults, we should teach our children that mistakes are an acceptable part of life and that they provide the greatest opportunity to learn. As such, they are a key ingredient of success. Therefore, children should be encouraged to take appropriate risks even if they flounder because mistakes should be seen as opportunities to learn and not as signs of incompetence. The problem is that many well intentioned parents in an effort to protect their children encourage them to head in a different direction once a mistake is made and they never learn to strengthen their abilities and confidence. After all, the ability to persevere in the face of a mistake is a great confidence booster for children. The truth is mistakes define the event and not the person. It's not coincidence that the fine print of every stock advertisement states that past performance is not a predictor of future performance. Parents should instill this same sort of thinking with their children. This allows their children the freedom to move forward, strengthening their abilities and building their confidence without stifling their development.

2. Encourage Individuality. Too often in this day and age, parents, teachers and other
adults crave structure and order so much that they fail to recognize the uniqueness of each child and discourage their individuality. Successful kids, however, are often kids who understand their unique strengths and who are willing to step outside their comfort zone and challenge the status quo. They have minimal fear that their choice or decision is the most popular one. They listen to their own heart and they follow their beliefs. It’s very easy for parents and other adult caretakers to stifle this individuality because these types of independent minded children may be difficult as youngsters, and adults may view them as rebellious and disrespectful rather than as critical, free thinkers. But as parents, our job is to harness this individuality and channel it to create successful adults who have absolute comfort in who they are and their abilities. It is also our job to preserve their individuality and to fight for it even if other adults find it troublesome. As parents, we should always focus on our child’s unique strengths and successes and praise their talent and make them aware of their own worth.

3. Foster problem solving skills. As parents, we want to minimize any hurt or disappointment that our children may endure so we often interfere with their ability to fight their own battles. What we need to realize is that if our children do not learn to deal with their own problems when they are younger, then they won’t develop the problem solving skills or the confidence necessary to deal with tougher issues that may arise later in life. Allowing children to stand on their own and fight their own battles fosters problem solving skills that can build confidence in a way that nothing else can.

In the end, following these three steps will go a long way to helping raise, healthy confident kids.

Kimberley R. Crouch is the mother of two sons and the author of Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men.

Kimberley Crouch
Author, Mother To Son
http://www.blogger.com/www.kimcrouch.com
http://mothertoson.blogspot.com/
http://www.blogger.com/www.myspace.com/kimcrouch

How have you worked with men in your community to support you in raise your Son?

2007-08-13T16:08:00.000-05:00

How have you worked with men in your community to support you in raise your Son?

What has worked?

How has your Son gained valued from men in your community or men in your family in his own maturing?

I am very clear what a challenging question this is so please email any story of success no matter how small to post here and put in the subject line “Please add to the Single Mom’s Raising Son’s Blog”

My email is: Martin@CoachingSupport.com

My book about 10 years of working with men, is out. I think it would be of use to any mother; to know the challenges that adult men have faced in thei

2007-08-13T16:04:00.001-05:00

My book about 10 years of working with men, is out. I think it would be of use to any mother; to know the challenges that adult men have faced in their live as well as a window into the unspoken voice of men. Over 100 men contributed to answer questions about mentoring, Fathering, Mothering, how to deal with sadness and many other topics. Having Dyslexia myself this booking being completed is a HUGE accomplishment and a fund raiser for The Men's Inquiry and The Women's Inquiry as well other expenses related to the web sites, returning calls (from a lot of Single Mothers and Men around the world. Please let me know how the book was useful to you if you choose to read it ( Martin@CoachingSupport.com ) .

Keep the posting coming.. Many women have gained value from this blog.

To learn more about the book goto:

http://www.toinquire.com/findingourfire.htm

Martin Brossman

Martin@CoachingSupport.com

Interview with Niki and Beth in the Morning

2007-05-06T10:03:00.000-05:00

Martin Brossman was interviewed today about Single Mothers Raishing Sons on the Nicki and Beth Morning show as part of their week-long special focusing on "Male Viewpoint" (MVP). About the show: "The Nicki and Beth Morning Show is the only all syndicated female hosted morning show in America. The program is hosted by Nicki Morse (formerly of Sunny 93.9's "Bob and Nicki Morning Show" and television reporter for NBC 17 (both in Raleigh) and numerous large market morning hosting positions in Atlanta, Indianapolis, Richmond and more; and, Beth Morris, unLicensed therapist and acclaimed storyteller. Now moving to a new location to be announced soon.Martin Brossman was a regular guest on the Tuesday Show।

Click here to here the show on "Single Mother's Raising Sons"

To learn about Nicki Morse radio experience go to: http://nickimorse.voice123.com/

And to find out about the show Nicki and Beth call Beth Morris at (919) 818-6462

From Single Mothers Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

As I read all your blogs, I found myself identifying with almost all of what you are saying.

2007-03-09T16:19:00.000-05:00

As I read all your blogs, I found myself identifying with almost all of what you are saying. You are strong, resourceful women who have made Heaven and Earth move to be there for your sons. First, let me say how very proud I am to be with you on this journey. A few years ago, I did a lot of searching for something like this, and what I found fell sadly short of what I needed. It sounds like you, for the most part, found that you had a more masculine side of yourself. That is cool! For me, that has never come easy. I was never athletic or sports oriented, but I support the sports or teams my boys chose. Last fall, they were in Tennis and Track. The running was pretty hectic, but it was worth it!

I also made use of my brother in law, their only Uncle. It worked as best it could, considering he had some issues, too. I told the truth about the situation as it unfolded. I think it is okay to point out the good and the "traits that may not bring them what they want" in other men. I love my Dad and my brother in law, but when there were characteristics displayed that I hoped my boys would not replicate, I told them why. They generally agreed. One thing I noticed is that my brother often told them it was okay to break my rules. They were allowed to do things with my brother that I would NEVER consider, such as jump into the river or the Lake for a swim, without him, no less! (Now I do not mean a shallow tame little body of water either. We lived near The Blue Water Bridge in MI - they jumped in where freighters, fish, and undertow are all factors!) Uncle Mike took them to them to events, sometimes with his best friend, and the four of them did have fun. My partner, who has made things infinitely easier for me, says that breaking out is just something that guys do, that fathers say, "Don't tell your mom". (hmm maybe so, but if I had a husband, I would not love that.) Still, our boys will end up with primarily our values, so can someone else really change who they will be?

I would like to suggest that things do happen naturally, sometimes. I had begged for men to participate in my boys lives, and got nowhere. Eventually, my brother in law and his best friend did give my guys a lot of what they craved and needed. I learned, and am still learning that I have to trust that there is something else at work here greater than me. Also, that as good as I had become at managing everything, I did not have to micro manage my boys becoming men; that the process was going to happen on it's own. I believe that as long as we support that process, and believe in it, we will put less stress on ourselves.

So many of the things you said rang true for me as well. Anger outbursts. Disrespect. Yet compliments from others at how well behaved they were. Fear of what now- now that they are bigger than me, taller than me, and very soon will be "able to take me". I have always said, " Don't challenge me. I will win. You may think you can get away with it. (They would run or hit at me) But you better think. You have to sleep some time. AND I decide when you get your driver's license. (and pay for _____)" I also remind them that it is my job to be the drill sarge at times, that it is my job to make sure they learn respect and self discipline. That I would not be doing my job if I let them skate by on less.

Yes, it is a hard process, Ladies, but it is also a very rewarding one. Many nights, I have blamed myself, and felt like a failure. I also committed myself to the process over again immediately. Successful people are only people who have not been afraid to fail. So whether you feel like you are on top of things, or that things are on top of you just now, please know that your boys are worth it. Do something different. Do something fun this weekend, and know that it may feel like it's all on you, but you can trust the process and breathe a sigh of relief. You don't have to do everything, and you don't have to get everything right.
Anonymous

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

See the article about this blog in NC Journal for Women & Subscribe to it!

2007-02-01T07:05:00.000-05:00

See the article about this blog ( Single Mothers Raising Sons) in NC Journal for Women & Subscribe to it! It is a wonderful web based magazine for women and I recommend you subscribe to it! I want to thank NC Journal for Women for all their support in our community! If you came to this blog from the article, thanks for coming. Please take a moment and share your story. You do not have to use your real name and it does not have to be "well written" just something in your own words to help another women and keep the conversation going! You can send the post to Martin@CoachingSupport.com and please put in the subject line, "for single mother's raising sons blog".

Click Here to see the article. or enter through the home page: http://www.ncjournalforwomen.com/

If you know of other on-line resources for Single Mothers Raising Sons let us know at: Martin@CoachingSupport.com

Also my wife was a single mother and had a wonderful successful adult son, you can learn about her at: www.NaturesFace.com

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

Recommended Books for Single Mothers Raising Sons

2007-02-01T06:58:00.002-05:00

A list of recommended books from the visitors of this blog:

Next:
"For all you mothers out there, check out a book called Preparing Him for the Other Woman by Sheri Rose Shepherd. This is a great resource for raising a wonderful, respectable son. "

I'd like to recommend, "The Single Mom's Little Book of Wisdom: 42 Tidbits of Wisdom To Help You Survive, Succeed and Stay Strong." Also check out the website: www.savvysinglemoms.net . There's a link with articles and resources on single moms raising boys
Anonymous

If you have a book that you found useful for Single Mothers (parents) raising son's please email it to us at martin@coachingsupport.com and put in the subject line "For single mother's raising sons blog" or add it to this post as a responce.

Next:

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Raising the Next Generation of Men: Books: Ann F. Caron

Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms are Creating the Next Generation of

Exceptional Men - by Peggy F. Drexler, Linden Gross - 2005 - 240 pages

Single Mother: The Emergence of the Domestic Intellectual - by Jane Juffer - 2006 - 267 pages

It's a Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons -by Andrea J. Buchanan - 2005 - 251 pages

Can Black Mothers Raise Our Sons?by Lawson Bush V. - 1999 - 200 pages

Raising Sons Without Fathers: A Woman's Guide to Parenting Strong, Successful Boysby Leif G. Terdal, Patricia Kennedy - 1996 - 216

pages

Mom's Everything Book for Sons: Practical Ideas for a Quality Relationshipby Becky Freeman - 2003 - 168 pages

Between Mothers and Sons: The Making of Vital and Loving Menby Evelyn Bassoff - 1994 - 272 pages

The Myth of Women's Masochism: With a New Preface by the Author by Paula J. Caplan, Paula J. Brown - 2005 - 328 pages

Bringing Up Boys: A Parenting Manual for Sole Mother Raising Sonsby Jo Howard - 1999

The Unbroken Home: Single Parent Mothers Tell Their Stories -by Wendy Anne Patterson - 2001 - 410 pages

The Complete Single Mother: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Concerns -by Andrea Engber, Leah Klungness - 2006 - 439 pages

Marianne

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I am single and raising my 7 yr old son , HELP!

2007-01-22T22:12:00.000-05:00

I am single and raising my 7 yr old son all by myself. He already shows these traits. His dad was abusive towards me and now my son does the same thing. Now his father has lost all rights to him because of alcohol and drug abuse. My son desperately needs a positive male role model in his life. I just can't be what he needs. My 7 year old son would rather go to kid bootcamp than live with me. I'm more afraid of myself than I am him right now, but I know he's just going to get bigger and eventually I will live in fear. How can I stop this NOW? He doesn't listen, he talks back, tries to hit me, etc. Time outs don't hold a candle to him, taking away his toys? He dosn't care. Therefore I have to ground him from playing outside with his friends, (the only thing he does care about) and then I'm stuck with him all day in the house with his foul mouth and anger towards me. HELP!
Anonymous - in strugle

Please post comments to this post.

From the blog, Single Mothers Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

A Yahoo Group as been created.. join us!

2006-11-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

New Yahoo Discussion Group:
Single Moms Raising Sons

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/momsraisingsons/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/momsraisingsons/ was created in response to all the Single Mother raising Son's that contacted our web site. I have lead the Men's Inquiry for over 10 years and have gained 100's of calls from Single Mother's looking for support. I see a need for this and created both the blog and this group to do this.I do this out of my commitment to relationships and society, for when Son's don't get enough support they tend to act 'out' more, not only causing problems in their own lives but society. This is a complement to the blog on the same topic. (this blog) http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/ It's goal is providing support for single mothers raishing sons and the to support women in writing a book on this topic. My vision is that I will support some (or several) women in writing a book about collecting the wisdom of mothers in addressing this issue. I am looking for several co-moderators as well. Your help is appreciated

Join us,
Martin Brossman
Founder of The Men's & Women's Inquiry
www.themensinquiry.com
www.thewomensinquiry.com

From the blog, Single Mothers Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I want to create Yahoo group on this topic or know of ones that exist.

2006-11-22T14:24:00.000-05:00

I want to create a Yahoo group on this topic or know of ones that exist.
Please email me directly or post a reply if you:

are willing to help moderated a yahoo group on this topic for Single Mother's Raising Sons.

or

know of good existing on-line group that already exist.

You may wonder why I started this, simply because it is needed in society and is aligned with my mission and commitment. I have had many women call me from the Men's Inquiry wanting support in this and saw the need.

Thanks
Martin Brossman
Martin@CoachingSupport.com
(919) 847-4757
Founder

When his Dad wants to be a 'kept man' as a model for his son.

2006-10-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

My issue as a single mom revolves around adult male role models for my son, who is now 15. He has been involved in Boy Scouts and sports; I enjoy many activities that are stereotypically male (fishing, camping, mountain biking, etc), and have taught him how to be a handyman around the house. (He also knows how to cook and clean J). I feel he has been exposed to most everyday things that boys are exposed to in a two-parent household.

My son’s father has not had a job in four years; he plays golf, tennis, and volleyball and has an active social life. He is living with a woman that supports him financially. When he lived with us, his priority was to play golf, tennis, and volleyball. In neither household did he participate in basic housekeeping or yard work, and is admittedly “selfish, lazy, and irresponsible”. I see my son beginning to emulate his father, and why not? He knows that his dad’s woman and I are both strong, self-reliant females who work hard to keep everyone and everything together, so why shouldn’t he be able to live like his father? He has not been exposed to a “marriage as partnership” nor has he seen male responsibility.

Unfortunately, his uncles are spread around the country; his grandfather is an old man. Since our divorce, I have tried very hard to not speak poorly of his dad, but it’s getting more difficult to not point out to my son that he can’t count on finding a woman to support him for his entire life (nor should he want to).

So, how in the world can I instill in my son responsibility and a strong work ethic when his major role model is a guy that wants to have fun all day?

S G

Three is a powerful age for forming ideas about mom as a separate person.

2006-08-31T10:11:00.000-05:00

Three is a powerful age for forming ideas about mom as a separate person. Although my son was never exposed to abuse (his dad is a decent guy) I did grow up in an abusive situation. My brother, at the time was exposed to it at the same age as your son up until he was 12 years old. He did not grow up to be abusive to women, and I'll give you a heads up on how.He had a loving connection to a female, me, his sister. If my mom had been able to establish a loving connection with him the way I did the outcome would have been just as good, even better. She couldn't do it though, she never did anything remotely fun or loving with him, she feared him and was over-stern to insure he "wouldn't turn out like his father" but I was able to do all of these things. As my brother grew into a teenager and the inevitable lessons from the past came to haunt him in how he spoke to her, treated girlfriends, shoving them, calling them names and lying to them etc I was his reality check. I hugged him, confronted him and told him straight up what an ignorant doofus he was being and it was seriously and disturbingly wrong, all of it. I reminded him if anyone treated me the way he was treating other females especially mom he would be furious. I told him I could not go where he was going with this, and I could not back him up or be around it. If he chose this path toward women I couldn't love him like I have, I would have to go. This got to him. He's been happily married for 10 years now to a doctor (strong female!) Laying a hand on her is absolutely out of the question, never has and never would. Wouldn't know this is the same person judging from his behavior when he was a teenager.At some point I think it's important to step out of the role of mom-the household ruler and disciplinarian, and step into the role of mom-woman to be loved because she loves me. A boy who has witnessed things like this needs a more loving connection to a female than average. When a sister or aunt isn't available for this mom becomes crucial in making sure those bonds are healed to women. I don't think finding a positive male role model is enough for things like this in my own experience. It helps (my brother didn't have this, I was it) but breaking the cycle of abuse ends successfully where it started, with proving to your boy you are way too deserving of love to be treated with anything less, not by forcing him or being stern, but by really enjoying him and playing and laughing as much as possible. Making each minute as positive and loving as you can. Getting down on his level and staying there. Making violence towards you or anyone else something he can't recall used to be an option.Throw the average child rearing practices books to the side for now and pick up the ones that offer advice for your situation, connect with your son in as many fun ways as you can. I have always been an advocate of therapy when its needed. If your son runs into trouble in a few years do not be afraid to get guidance. It can make the difference for him later on. My brother also didn't get that but I made sure when I got separated my son did have it. My brother often remarks he wishes he had received this extra help when he was a teen and needed it. Makes a rougher road less bumpy than it has to be.The proactive method I advise starts with you. At three there is still so much time to make violence a distant almost non-memory for your son. The cycle breaks, with you.

Red Sox said... Single mom of 10 yr old boy...

2006-08-31T10:10:00.000-05:00

Okay - first time I have ever done this (posting a comment). Single mom of 10 yr old boy, 9 yr old girl. No financial or family support, dad is abusive alcoholic, he still sees the kids intermittently and I wrestle with whether or not that is a wise decision on my part. (he becomes verbally abusive in front of them frequently when he is here - i don't let them go to his place (dump)so 3 out of 4 times we see him I have to ask him to leave)ANYWAY - I couldn't agree more about relating to my son on his own terms.We seem to be breaking all the sterotypes. My little guy is happy, engaged, a great student, involved in sports, many friends and a terrific son. I think it is because I have spent alot of time wading in swamps, catching crayfish, learning how to play baseball, have lots of kids related parties at my house, volunteering with them. I will admit that i have molded my entire life around single parenting. Quit my professional job to work at home so they could come home after school, run a brownie troop for my daugher and am manager for my son's baseball league. I have no life of my own, no dating, don't want it, but wonder if that is bad too. Also live in a suburb with very few single parents and have sometimes felt very isolated and maybe even scorned a bit (so 1950's), but I laugh even louder and cheer even more on the sidelines when i feel that way. I pray that he will grow into a man who will honor and respect women, children and the family. I won't know for years. I am very nervous about puberty. Mostly what I need is other parents, probably moms, who can share in some of my anxiety and that I can talk with.

Anonymous - in strugle

2006-08-31T10:09:00.000-05:00

Anonymous said...
I am a single/divorced mother of a daughter 22(does not live at home) and a son 18 (senior in high school). I thought I had concerns about my daughter, but the concerns I have for my son far outweigh those that I had for her.I've been divorced for about 14 years. My son was turning 3 when we moved in with my parents. For the next five years, my father was his male role model. I obviously made the mistake of moving after five years. It seems that I should have stayed with them so that my son would have continued to have a good male role model. I'm not sure anymore. I felt that moving out would be the only way to stop my ex-husband from terrorizing my parents and it worked. Courts don't care and most criminal behavior of a domestic nature never gets enforced. It truly is pitiful.I was not a mom who could get involved with the masculine side of things, as I was always working to keep myself and my children sheltered, clothed, and fed.The problem that has arisen and has been rising over the past almost ten years, is that my son is very angry and has been mildly violent toward me; very destructive in my home; refuses to accept blame for anything he ruins; is very verbally abusive to me, and only me. I truly fear for his future. Yet, people are always complimenting me on him. He will not get any help/therapy, and will not have any heart to heart talks with me so that I can find a way to help him. He only comes to me civilly when he wants something or has a problem. I'm really at my wits end and was happy to find this site, because I don't know how it is all going to go for him.Over the years, I have understood why he would sleep over his friends' houses who had their dads. Interestingly, though, he has learned that not all dads are what he thought they should be. His father, I think has his own problems. He has no clue as to how to parent, because he does not care and it has become very evident to both my children that he is not someone they can rely on. Me on the other hand, they rely on totally. I don't even mind that at all, but I do have a problem with the anger, language and violence and constantly live in fear of my own son, because I don't know what is going to make him blow. Usually he is ok, but he gets so nasty without any provocation. But I think he perceives my caring/questionning as provocation to anger. As long as he is getting what he wants at the time, he's ok. I don't necessarily mean material things; more like responses or emotional/perceptual things. There are times when I go off, because of coming home to my home being totally destroyed; his friends laying all over my furniture; piles of dishes in the sink, etc... (summer vacation-nightmare time), but by and large, I leave him be to come and go as he pleases. Many times I feel that not talking at all is just not right. He's not a big talker except to his girlfriend. This is the first time he has had a steady girlfriend and he is going to be a senior in high school. He's very good looking and an athlete; and smarter than he allows himself to realize.He also has ideas about careers but does not share them with me.The problem I have with his father is that he encourages destructive behaviors. For example, my son knows I don't want him to get any tatoos, but I know that the day he turns 18, he will surely get one. He also knows I do not approve of ear piercing, but he went and had his ears pierced. I don't obsess about these things, because I know that when he's tired of them, he will let them go, but his father encourages these things, because he knows I don't want them to happen. For some young men, these things are passing fads and art appreciation; but for those young men who are trying to identify with their masculinity, they make these outrageous attempts to do so and still remain angry and never come to know why. They refuse to address the real problem.He recently had a major football injury which is precluding his playing football in his senior year (a major emotional setback). He's working through it, but I know it is making him angry. I have tried to give him some pearls of wisdom in that when some doors close others open and even though unfortunate things happen, there is always a reason and we have to find the good in all things and all the positives we can make from unfortunate events. Very cliche, I know.My main problem is his anger and violent tendencies so much so that I don't want him living with me after he graduates high school. How awful is that? I never thought I would feel this way about the "best baby in the world." He truly was a Godsend. He played, he slept, he ate, he grew and was always good natured; never cranky, played well with other children, even as a baby. This is why it hurts so much; I never expected this from such a wonderful little boy.Ok, I'm sitting at my desk writing this, in tears. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to write to me or post a comment back. Thank you for allowing all this space to write all of this.

What works and what does not work for raising sons?

2006-05-24T22:44:00.000-05:00

What works and what does not work for raising sons?

What works and what does not work for, single mothers/parents, raising sons?

You can email us at women@toinquire.com or click the comment area on this post.

I also would like to state another reference: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SingleMomsOnaMission/
(The Magazine For Single Moms & Dads is featured Free On-line)

I am looking for a woman to write a book on this topic. Several have shown interest and the first one that actually starts writing and producing copy I will view as the primary author, assuming they make constant progress. I want this book to exist in the world and will offer free help with it. What's in it for me? Progress on my own personal mission of supporting people in having more meaningful lives and if they want to contribute some recognition to my contribution and the Women's Inquiry that would be welcome but not required for help.

Thanks
Martin Brossman
Founder of the Men's & Women's Inquiry
martin@coachingsupport.com
Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

We have the opportunity to shape amazing men..

2006-05-24T22:41:00.000-05:00

I am also a single mom of a son - the second time around. My son's dad left when I had him arrested for DV when my son was 5. I then remarried and my current husband and I have been separated for almost 2 years. My son is now almost 11. I have surrounded my son with other men. He plays baseball, basketball and football. His coaches all know he doesn't have a really active parent. My current husband does come around often to see him and anytime I have
a major problem, he tries to help. I have also enlisted the assistance of my dad and brother. They both talk to my son as much as possible. My son's uncles also assist as much as possible since his biodad isn't active at all. I have embraced the concept of "it takes a village to raise a child". I am very lucky in that I am a Captain on a Fire Department and the guys are always willing to offer advice. For me, the ever approaching puberty is going to be a challenge. My son
is suddenly obsessed with the female body - if you know what I mean.... He asked a few weeks ago to see a Playboy. I asked why and he said he just wanted to see boobs. lol I had a hard time keeping a straight face. I explained to him that there was a lot more to a woman than just her body and he told me he already knew that but that other boys had seen them and he wanted too also. I compromised. I allowed him to look at a Maxim. If you are not familiar, Maxim is almost soft porn. I only did this after the guys at work told me he would find a magazine if I didn't show him and they thought it would be best for me to initiate the situation. So, we looked at the magazine and he blushed and it hasn't been brought up again. I think we can all do this. It may take some creativity and a lot of help from outside but I really believe we have the opportunity to shape amazing men. Our sons will have immense respect for women and yet with the right outside help, they can be very healthy. Just my thoughts and experience.
JM

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

We tired to "locate" a few "good men."

2006-05-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

What a Great topic!! I am the single parnet of a (now) 4 year old son and a (now) 6 year old daughter. I have been on m own for 4 years (yes, you do the math)! My son, Ethan was 2 months when his father actually moved out but was never an active part of his life.I am a formally educated woman, with more than one masters degree and am now self employed. As resourceful as I am....having positive male role models in my childrens life has been difficult. I have so many "strong" females around that it seems almost a set up to think that we can "locate" a few "good men."I thought my son how to pee standing up, how to shake his penis dry, how to throw a ball (not too well), and so on. I am sooo proud of myself but wish that he had more men around. My brother is somewhat local and I do what I can to get the two of them together. One example of the difference of how I try to teach him and my brother....Ethan asked me if boys can wear pink shirts (a fashionstatement now). Being the social worker that I am, I said ,"of course they can, but only strong boys who feel good about themselves can wear pink." He asked my brother the same thing and my brothr said, "No, boys should never wear pink and don't ever want to hear about you wearing it." Then told my daughter that he would give her $1.00 if her brother wore pink and she told on him.What works, I don't know..what doesn't....not sure either. I just know that I do the best that I can!! And I am open to read, listen and try new things.

M . in Florida

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

Boys pick on each other worse than girls when it comes to clothes!

2006-05-24T08:54:00.000-05:00

"I absolutely love this topic too! And yes, boys pick on each other worse than girls when it comes to clothes! What works for me is I let my son tell me how the social climate is going and help him navigate it by choosing what he will feel comfortable wearing. My son won't wear pink alone, but he will wear a pink t-shirt that has a skateboarder shadow that says "peace bro" .....not a bad balance he struck there, I was impressed, but he won't wear it to school functions, only around the neighborhood boys. I allow him to show his social wisdom without making too big an issue of it. After so long struggling to knock the girlie out of me to be able to identify with my son I have grown to respect the odd ways they bond to each other and how they protect those bonds. There is a difference, my son taught me those differences are ok. It's important that a boy identify with other males (young and old) on their terms, not ours. I feel like it was the most critical lesson I learned with my son. When I respect him he respects me ten-fold. (Hard to respect traits in a person like bathing only when you can no longer see the true color of their skin, keeping worms as trophies, teasing each other for perceived guy-infractions and burping contests but respect it all I do. I wouldn't want anyone telling me my womanly gab-fests with girlfriends and toenail painting is pathological, I don't think boys like it any better when we do it for their particular XY quirks as well.

He loves the new commercial Burger King came out with showing the men emancipating themselves from "chick food" and running in the streets with their huge cheeseburgers singing "I am man." He laughs hysterically. I laugh too just seeing him. Before I had my son I would have been offended by it, but now I understand it and think it's funny also. Amazing people these little men we have. Rose S

ingle Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

Look forward to hearing from other Moms of this

2006-05-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

I endorse anything that gets the word out about the importance of promoting boys to be boys and connect to each other on their own turf. Being a father figure or male influence is a gift to a boy and it's really important not to return that gift hastily. Alot of single moms start out confused and fall back on molding their sons into what they hope them to be instead of working with what they are. I fell into that trap myself and I got zapped bad.

I've seen many a good dad sit down, bite the bullet and race Barbie around in her pink vette for their daughters, I see no reason why moms need not meet their boys on their turf as well. I think it's the number one reason why discipline is always a top complaint of single moms of sons. A boy will only give respect where its earned. The key to earning it is playing on their field and playing well. Tired single mom or not it's more tiring not to do it. The results I got were almost immediate.

Mom of a boy.

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

Need help from other single mothers with sons.. with abuse!

2006-05-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

What is the most effective way to teach your son non-violence after witnessing his father acting out in violent ways. I fear how having my son witness violence against me at such a "spongie" age (he's 3) might affect him as he grows up. His father emotionally, mentally and physically battered me and I did managed to get us out of that situation but I would like to know how I can be proactive in my sons healing from this and how I might better prevent him from growing up to think its okay to treat women like his daddy treated mommy. There is a history of abuse in his fathers family and the cycle needs to stop here. I appreciate all input.
SC

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I was very happy when I read your request for stories from single moms raising sons! I've navigated the treacherous waters of raising a son as a singl

2006-05-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

I was very happy when I read your request for stories from single moms raising sons! I've navigated the treacherous waters of raising a son as a single mom for 10 years now. It started out with a very dim view of the possible outcomes and almost no information beyond the warnings from practically everyone "he needs a mans view/guidance or he's going to grow up strange/damaged/ ..... insert miscellaneous scary warning here." I was fortunate, I have a brother, a lot of close and wonderful male friends since childhood, and I maintained a cooperative relationship with my sons' dad strictly for my sons benefit. My boyfriend loves my son and the feelings are mutual (sometimes I must admit, my son likes him better than me, he's good at Xbox and catching bigger Bluefish, neither of which I can say I'm masterful at, but I'm catching up. My son often asks for "just guys" time. Ouch) I had a network of friends and family with boys I volunteered every weekend to babysit all for my son. My boy has never lacked male attention or company.

....and yet, it wasn't enough for him. No matter how many opportunities and loving male attention my son had he was still angry. It was like pouring water into a bottomless well. Just when he came off a great visit with his dad, or my boyfriend spent an exhausting day putting together a planetarium complete with mini-laser lights or practicing for baseball, or my brother brought him to a movie or to Disney my boy was still angry and it showed in his behavior at school and his dislike of (all female!!) authority figures, aka "mean teachers who only care about following rules and bossing me around... " Calls from school were a daily occurance. He was in serious trouble. So much for the theory of male figures in their lives being the sole factor in avoiding the pitfalls of raising a boy as a single mom. There was alot more to this than I realized and I went through Hell and back figuring it out.

I filled my bookshelves at home with the "Raising Cain" and "Protecting the Emotional World of Boys" books. They helped a little, but the key came from my son directly. The answer for my spitfire boy was simple, he told me over and over again but I didn't hear him then, "mom, bet you can't play this level of Star Wars with me and beat me" and "mom, you pitch to me" and "mom, let's go ride our bikes at the dirt puddle, eat tacos every day and see what I look like without a bath for a week" If I wanted to raise a happier boy delegating or rejecting parts of his needs as a boy wouldn't cut it for him. The men-folk told him all of these things were the thing to do and I repaid their hard work by rejecting it over and over. What's good enough for boys wasn't good enough for moms, and this was not good at all for my son.

I was his closest connection in the world, I was his role model for relationships towards females, I was the person he identified with and understood more than anyone else so far. I was the constant in a constantly changing world. When dad or uncle or boyfriend weren't available mom was always available 24/7. If I separated his experiences into "male stuff" and "female stuff" I would set him up for a constant battle with women who he'd see are never fun, they're just good at making sure you eat your broccoli and do your assignments and make you sit still for 6 hours a day, at the same time they were all he felt safe with and he would try to be like against his own very nature, tough paradox. It was little wonder my son felt angry and began to resent women making him into something he wasn't, mom had to get down and dirty in the mud if I wanted him to be ok. I had to make alot of changes for this little man.

I let him study for tests while doing jumping jacks on the bed or on his mini trampoline. I went out and got my first set of cleats, fishing poles and roller blades. I enlisted all of my male resources in teaching me the basics of "guy stuff." Not fun at first, my fastball was pathetic and learning how to slide into a base mangled me, I wore flip flops to my first fishing outing (ever try to clean a fish you caught in flip flops? Every girls' nightmare. I scrubbed my feet for a week and of course none of the males in my circle warned me when I showed up beyond those sneaky grins to each other that burst out into gales of laughs when my time came. Guys seem to endorse the hard-knocks method of supporting each other and I, as a guy in training, was not exempt from this lovingly cruel ritual. I got it though! ) I let him roller blade in the house and let his bath time go until even he had to admit he wasn't "tan" he was covered in grub. My home is filled with the lovely sounds of burping contests and toe cheese tag. Now I play baseball good enough to coach his team and I do sometimes, I've got a mean method of catching the trickiest of bass (no weights and one bright feather on the hook with a slow swaying/wiggle of the line every few minutes, works every time. I wear the ugliest biggest boots ever invented, if they keep my toes fish-gut free they're better than Prada heels.) Bruises/scrapes and dirty fingernails, I look like I went rounds with De La Hoya on some days. I ride bikes in the rain with him, puddle-hits are extra points in my sons eyes, the more mud splashed on my legs the higher my stock goes, if an earthworm lands on me I've been blessed by the boy-gods, my son thought I was incredibly lucky when this happened, I smile and fight every instinct in my being to pick it up with reverance and not heave, so far so good. Flinch and you're lame mom, I'm happy to say I don't flinch anymore. I still haven't mastered Yugi Oh cards but some things have to be left to my sons friends to teach. My boy is open to learning from them now.

My son does his best for his teachers too. Awards at school and grateful teachers who are relieved at the improvement. One good turn deserves another. I couldn't expect him to identify with males and then shoot down the things they taught him that I didn't like. That's a recipe for resentment. Once I made everything they were showing him ok he began to trust himself and the males in his life. He could finally trust women in the process and navigate the differences with love, humor and patience. I handed my son over to the guy-side and I visit him there. Time will tell if he will ultimately be ok. Parenting a boy, as a single parent or otherwise is a huge leap of faith into the unknown. There are other factors to consider beyond these. You do your best and pray for the rest.

I have no doubt a boy needs a healthy connection to other boys/men so that he learns how to identify which male traits he has in common with them and learn different ways how to handle them, but more than this he needs the number one woman in his life to allow these connections to flourish and make them ok. Without this a boy can be surrounded by wonderful male role models and male friends he won't connect to. My boy can burp and make fun of my girlie toenails any time he wants. In my house it's ok to leave the toilet seat up, if I don't get the right tool or equiptment for the task than I deserve a bunch of hilarious teasing when I botch it, and no I don't mind riding through the earthworm patch of dirt on our street, I might get another one to land on my leg from mud puddle splashes... tre cool.

Rose
Mom to Nick the Spitfire, 10 Years Old

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

A few books on raising sons the people have said were useful

2006-04-19T17:16:00.000-05:00

A few books about raising sons, that people have found useful, can be found on The Men's Inquiry book page [ http://www.toinquire.com/books.htm ] then click on the word "Boys". If the book has three stars ( *** ) that means I have gained the most feedback that it was helpful!

Also a 'yahoo' discussion group for single parents:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SingleMomsOnaMission/

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I welcome some advice..

2006-04-19T17:13:00.000-05:00

Hi
Myself and my boyfriend live together and my son considers him daddy even though his is not his bio dad..I started rasing my son as a single mom when he was not quite 6 months old..I get help from my boyfriend because we do live together but he is still my son...He also has a son who is a single parent to..It's definitely harder to raise a son as a single parent I thought my mother had problems raising me a girl as a single parent boy was I wrong. Please give me information on how to help
Kim
Mom To Jon Jon 4 april 25th
Florida

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I received information about this blog from a friend. Thank you so much for doing this.

2006-04-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

I received information about this blog from a friend. Thank you so much for doing this. I hope many women respond. This is an important topic. Both my sons are grown but I think I did as many good things as bad.

What did not work: Expecting your boyfriend to be their dad or trying to encourage itin any way? Boy this does NOT work!

What does work: Find him activities which involve some men. I got one in the Boy Scoutsand he became an Eagle Scout.Be ok with them having a relationship with their biological father even if you don't get along with him. Don't put their father down in front of him. (This was tough.)

What was a relief: That both I could not and did not have to be 'their father' and learning they can get a little bit of 'father' from many men in their lives. They both are living on their own and the one who was a Scout is doing a little better--maybe it helped. That's it for now and I look forward to seeing others postings.

MJ from the OH.

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

As I look back at the years I was a single mom of children Two of them being my oldest (boys) I was very young at the time

2006-04-14T08:38:00.000-05:00

As I look back at the years I was a single mom of children Two of them being my oldest (boys) I was very young at the time .the saving grace as I look back was that I was growing up along with them. All I remember about those years is that I loved them and consistently had no idea of what " being a good parent " meant. There were a lot of people giving me advice and I listened but I swam much my own way. The over riding emotion was I loved them unconditionally….all of the time. Even if I didn't like what they did a lot of the times we were bud's . I didn't know any better. I have people telling me now that my boys were a mess. Now that they are grown men and have made successful lives. Each have emerged as their own person. Not at all alike but strong in knowing they were loved.

Oh yes I'm sure when things go wrong in their lives there is a little voice that says that they didn't have a strong male role model and that's why they…….fill in the blanks. But in truth maybe I was lucky or maybe that’s all they needed was unconditional love…wrong or right. Who knows?

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

First contributions: As a single mother of two boys..

2006-04-11T06:03:00.000-05:00

Martin,

As a single mother of two boys, yes, life felt like a struggle most of the time. Now in my fifties and the boys now men, I look back and do have some regrets but only because I wish I knew then what I know now.

I became a single mom when my youngest boy was 3, he's now 28, and the oldest was 11 at that time. Yes, they were 8 years apart.

It wasn't easy making the decision that I was better off as a single parent than staying in an abusive relationship (alcohol and mental). It took some time to realize it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself and for my boys. One I don't regret to this day.

During the transition period, I felt all alone. My parents turned their back on me. Back in those days divorce was seen as a no-no and always the fault of the wife. And my parents didn't help because they were from the old school of thinking -- you have to stand by your man no matter what. It took a while for my mom to shift her thinking but she did so before she passed.

Healthy interaction with male role models is very important. However, I do toss caution to the wind - sometimes what we personally see as healthy can be through filters that aren't balanced ourselves when we have been through these types of trial and tribulations. This will result in choosing role models that actually have the opposite effect.

My two boys didn't have healthy role models and the consequences later in life were big now that I look back. I didn't date anyone seriously for years afterwards. It took a lot of self-healing to figure out why I was attracting these types of men and the healing moved slowly.
It took my experience with becoming a counselor in ACOA (Adult Children of
Alcoholics) to open up the pattern and begin stopping the attraction.
Men have a different way of looking at things and having a mixture for them to see and choose from can be a good thing. But again, I repeat, finding male role models isn't an easy task especially when your own filters are distorted.

Well, I can't stay and write I have a radio show to produce this morning.
I highly recommend taking the time to find an organization that can support you in this selection. And also to interview anyone that you are going to allow into your sons life. Even the most reputable looking men years later were found to be maelstroms. Rely on your gut feeling too.

Martin, this is an excellent topic to open up. Keep it up. It's hard to believe that there aren't any good books on this. Hmmm, Martin, practice the Laws of Attraction and they will appear.

Guaranteed.
Hugs, Catherine Franz
http://www.letstalkmarketingshow.com/
http://www.abundancecenter.com/

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

About Single Women (Parents) Raising Sons.. how we started

2006-03-28T01:03:00.001-05:00

looking for input from Single Mothers (single parents) Raising Sons A new 'blog' started to share resources
by Martin Brossman

In the course of 10 years of running The Men's Inquiry (and the website http://www.toinquire.com/ ) I have received many calls, from single mothers around the country, about the challenges of raising their sons. I did my best to give some advice and many came back and let me know how useful it was. Problems they would describe were: "I fight with my daughter but we are on the same page, however everything I do with my son seems to blow up in my face" or "I have finally decided I can not be his mom and his dad but where do I find men to play a healthy male role model for him. Obviously the issue of “Single Mothers Raising Sons” is an issue of special importance and concern more appropriately addressed by The Women’s Inquiry ( http://www.thewomensinquiry.com/ ).

To facilitate interchange I have created a blog on the issue. If you or anyone you know is a single mother raising sons and would be willing to help other single mothers raising sons, please provide your inputs to: women@toinquire.com and in the subject line of the E Mail add “Single Mothers Raising Sons.” The information will be posted on the blog address: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/ . Your story of what works and what does not work is important. Whether your kids are young or fully grown, we want to hear your voice! This is a public service of The Women's Inquiry and we appreciate your help. This service is not affiliated with any other group or any particular faith.

Special Note: The 10 year’s of inputs to The Men's Inquiry has led to the coming book “Finding Our Fire.” Inputs to this blog may well lead to a similar result. The book would not be another "expert" telling woman what to do but the real words of women who have or are living the experience. If you know of any women that want to write such a book have her contact me. As we proceed we will seek the right women to produce such a book.

Thanks!,
List manager
Martin BrossmanFounder/Organizer of The Men's Inquiry & The Women's InquiryMen's
Inquiry: www.toinquire.com
Women's Inquiry: www.thewomensinquiry.com
Upcoming book (fund raiser for the Men’s & Women’s Inquiry) : "Finding Our Fire": http://www.toinquire.com/findingourfire.htm

This is a service of The Women's Inquiry:
http://www.thewomensinquiry.com

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