As I read all your blogs, I found myself identifying with almost all of what you are saying.

As I read all your blogs, I found myself identifying with almost all of what you are saying. You are strong, resourceful women who have made Heaven and Earth move to be there for your sons. First, let me say how very proud I am to be with you on this journey. A few years ago, I did a lot of searching for something like this, and what I found fell sadly short of what I needed. It sounds like you, for the most part, found that you had a more masculine side of yourself. That is cool! For me, that has never come easy. I was never athletic or sports oriented, but I support the sports or teams my boys chose. Last fall, they were in Tennis and Track. The running was pretty hectic, but it was worth it!

I also made use of my brother in law, their only Uncle. It worked as best it could, considering he had some issues, too. I told the truth about the situation as it unfolded. I think it is okay to point out the good and the "traits that may not bring them what they want" in other men. I love my Dad and my brother in law, but when there were characteristics displayed that I hoped my boys would not replicate, I told them why. They generally agreed. One thing I noticed is that my brother often told them it was okay to break my rules. They were allowed to do things with my brother that I would NEVER consider, such as jump into the river or the Lake for a swim, without him, no less! (Now I do not mean a shallow tame little body of water either. We lived near The Blue Water Bridge in MI - they jumped in where freighters, fish, and undertow are all factors!) Uncle Mike took them to them to events, sometimes with his best friend, and the four of them did have fun. My partner, who has made things infinitely easier for me, says that breaking out is just something that guys do, that fathers say, "Don't tell your mom". (hmm maybe so, but if I had a husband, I would not love that.) Still, our boys will end up with primarily our values, so can someone else really change who they will be?

I would like to suggest that things do happen naturally, sometimes. I had begged for men to participate in my boys lives, and got nowhere. Eventually, my brother in law and his best friend did give my guys a lot of what they craved and needed. I learned, and am still learning that I have to trust that there is something else at work here greater than me. Also, that as good as I had become at managing everything, I did not have to micro manage my boys becoming men; that the process was going to happen on it's own. I believe that as long as we support that process, and believe in it, we will put less stress on ourselves.

So many of the things you said rang true for me as well. Anger outbursts. Disrespect. Yet compliments from others at how well behaved they were. Fear of what now- now that they are bigger than me, taller than me, and very soon will be "able to take me". I have always said, " Don't challenge me. I will win. You may think you can get away with it. (They would run or hit at me) But you better think. You have to sleep some time. AND I decide when you get your driver's license. (and pay for _____)" I also remind them that it is my job to be the drill sarge at times, that it is my job to make sure they learn respect and self discipline. That I would not be doing my job if I let them skate by on less.

Yes, it is a hard process, Ladies, but it is also a very rewarding one. Many nights, I have blamed myself, and felt like a failure. I also committed myself to the process over again immediately. Successful people are only people who have not been afraid to fail. So whether you feel like you are on top of things, or that things are on top of you just now, please know that your boys are worth it. Do something different. Do something fun this weekend, and know that it may feel like it's all on you, but you can trust the process and breathe a sigh of relief. You don't have to do everything, and you don't have to get everything right.
Anonymous


Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

See the article about this blog in NC Journal for Women & Subscribe to it!

See the article about this blog ( Single Mothers Raising Sons) in NC Journal for Women & Subscribe to it! It is a wonderful web based magazine for women and I recommend you subscribe to it! I want to thank NC Journal for Women for all their support in our community! If you came to this blog from the article, thanks for coming. Please take a moment and share your story. You do not have to use your real name and it does not have to be "well written" just something in your own words to help another women and keep the conversation going! You can send the post to Martin@CoachingSupport.com and please put in the subject line, "for single mother's raising sons blog".

Click Here to see the article. or enter through the home page: http://www.ncjournalforwomen.com/

If you know of other on-line resources for Single Mothers Raising Sons let us know at: Martin@CoachingSupport.com

Also my wife was a single mother and had a wonderful successful adult son, you can learn about her at: www.NaturesFace.com

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

Recommended Books for Single Mothers Raising Sons

A list of recommended books from the visitors of this blog:

Next:
"For all you mothers out there, check out a book called Preparing Him for the Other Woman by Sheri Rose Shepherd. This is a great resource for raising a wonderful, respectable son. "

Next:

I'd like to recommend, "The Single Mom's Little Book of Wisdom: 42 Tidbits of Wisdom To Help You Survive, Succeed and Stay Strong." Also check out the website: www.savvysinglemoms.net . There's a link with articles and resources on single moms raising boys
Anonymous

If you have a book that you found useful for Single Mothers (parents) raising son's please email it to us at martin@coachingsupport.com and put in the subject line "For single mother's raising sons blog" or add it to this post as a responce.

Next:

Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Raising the Next Generation of Men: Books: Ann F. Caron

Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms are Creating the Next Generation of

Exceptional Men - by Peggy F. Drexler, Linden Gross - 2005 - 240 pages

Single Mother: The Emergence of the Domestic Intellectual - by Jane Juffer - 2006 - 267 pages

It's a Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons -by Andrea J. Buchanan - 2005 - 251 pages

Can Black Mothers Raise Our Sons?by Lawson Bush V. - 1999 - 200 pages

Raising Sons Without Fathers: A Woman's Guide to Parenting Strong, Successful Boysby Leif G. Terdal, Patricia Kennedy - 1996 - 216

pages

Mom's Everything Book for Sons: Practical Ideas for a Quality Relationshipby Becky Freeman - 2003 - 168 pages

Between Mothers and Sons: The Making of Vital and Loving Menby Evelyn Bassoff - 1994 - 272 pages

The Myth of Women's Masochism: With a New Preface by the Author by Paula J. Caplan, Paula J. Brown - 2005 - 328 pages

Bringing Up Boys: A Parenting Manual for Sole Mother Raising Sonsby Jo Howard - 1999

The Unbroken Home: Single Parent Mothers Tell Their Stories -by Wendy Anne Patterson - 2001 - 410 pages

The Complete Single Mother: Reassuring Answers to Your Most Challenging Concerns -by Andrea Engber, Leah Klungness - 2006 - 439 pages

Marianne

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I am single and raising my 7 yr old son , HELP!

I am single and raising my 7 yr old son all by myself. He already shows these traits. His dad was abusive towards me and now my son does the same thing. Now his father has lost all rights to him because of alcohol and drug abuse. My son desperately needs a positive male role model in his life. I just can't be what he needs. My 7 year old son would rather go to kid bootcamp than live with me. I'm more afraid of myself than I am him right now, but I know he's just going to get bigger and eventually I will live in fear. How can I stop this NOW? He doesn't listen, he talks back, tries to hit me, etc. Time outs don't hold a candle to him, taking away his toys? He dosn't care. Therefore I have to ground him from playing outside with his friends, (the only thing he does care about) and then I'm stuck with him all day in the house with his foul mouth and anger towards me. HELP!
Anonymous - in strugle

Please post comments to this post.

From the blog, Single Mothers Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

A Yahoo Group as been created.. join us!

New Yahoo Discussion Group:
Single Moms Raising Sons

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/momsraisingsons/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/momsraisingsons/ was created in response to all the Single Mother raising Son's that contacted our web site. I have lead the Men's Inquiry for over 10 years and have gained 100's of calls from Single Mother's looking for support. I see a need for this and created both the blog and this group to do this.I do this out of my commitment to relationships and society, for when Son's don't get enough support they tend to act 'out' more, not only causing problems in their own lives but society. This is a complement to the blog on the same topic. (this blog) http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/ It's goal is providing support for single mothers raishing sons and the to support women in writing a book on this topic. My vision is that I will support some (or several) women in writing a book about collecting the wisdom of mothers in addressing this issue. I am looking for several co-moderators as well. Your help is appreciated

Join us,
Martin Brossman
Founder of The Men's & Women's Inquiry
www.themensinquiry.com
www.thewomensinquiry.com

From the blog, Single Mothers Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/

I want to create Yahoo group on this topic or know of ones that exist.

I want to create a Yahoo group on this topic or know of ones that exist.
Please email me directly or post a reply if you:

are willing to help moderated a yahoo group on this topic for Single Mother's Raising Sons.

or

know of good existing on-line group that already exist.

You may wonder why I started this, simply because it is needed in society and is aligned with my mission and commitment. I have had many women call me from the Men's Inquiry wanting support in this and saw the need.

Thanks
Martin Brossman
Martin@CoachingSupport.com
(919) 847-4757
Founder

When his Dad wants to be a 'kept man' as a model for his son.

My issue as a single mom revolves around adult male role models for my son, who is now 15. He has been involved in Boy Scouts and sports; I enjoy many activities that are stereotypically male (fishing, camping, mountain biking, etc), and have taught him how to be a handyman around the house. (He also knows how to cook and clean J). I feel he has been exposed to most everyday things that boys are exposed to in a two-parent household.

My son’s father has not had a job in four years; he plays golf, tennis, and volleyball and has an active social life. He is living with a woman that supports him financially. When he lived with us, his priority was to play golf, tennis, and volleyball. In neither household did he participate in basic housekeeping or yard work, and is admittedly “selfish, lazy, and irresponsible”. I see my son beginning to emulate his father, and why not? He knows that his dad’s woman and I are both strong, self-reliant females who work hard to keep everyone and everything together, so why shouldn’t he be able to live like his father? He has not been exposed to a “marriage as partnership” nor has he seen male responsibility.

Unfortunately, his uncles are spread around the country; his grandfather is an old man. Since our divorce, I have tried very hard to not speak poorly of his dad, but it’s getting more difficult to not point out to my son that he can’t count on finding a woman to support him for his entire life (nor should he want to).

So, how in the world can I instill in my son responsibility and a strong work ethic when his major role model is a guy that wants to have fun all day?

S G

Three is a powerful age for forming ideas about mom as a separate person.

Three is a powerful age for forming ideas about mom as a separate person. Although my son was never exposed to abuse (his dad is a decent guy) I did grow up in an abusive situation. My brother, at the time was exposed to it at the same age as your son up until he was 12 years old. He did not grow up to be abusive to women, and I'll give you a heads up on how.He had a loving connection to a female, me, his sister. If my mom had been able to establish a loving connection with him the way I did the outcome would have been just as good, even better. She couldn't do it though, she never did anything remotely fun or loving with him, she feared him and was over-stern to insure he "wouldn't turn out like his father" but I was able to do all of these things. As my brother grew into a teenager and the inevitable lessons from the past came to haunt him in how he spoke to her, treated girlfriends, shoving them, calling them names and lying to them etc I was his reality check. I hugged him, confronted him and told him straight up what an ignorant doofus he was being and it was seriously and disturbingly wrong, all of it. I reminded him if anyone treated me the way he was treating other females especially mom he would be furious. I told him I could not go where he was going with this, and I could not back him up or be around it. If he chose this path toward women I couldn't love him like I have, I would have to go. This got to him. He's been happily married for 10 years now to a doctor (strong female!) Laying a hand on her is absolutely out of the question, never has and never would. Wouldn't know this is the same person judging from his behavior when he was a teenager.At some point I think it's important to step out of the role of mom-the household ruler and disciplinarian, and step into the role of mom-woman to be loved because she loves me. A boy who has witnessed things like this needs a more loving connection to a female than average. When a sister or aunt isn't available for this mom becomes crucial in making sure those bonds are healed to women. I don't think finding a positive male role model is enough for things like this in my own experience. It helps (my brother didn't have this, I was it) but breaking the cycle of abuse ends successfully where it started, with proving to your boy you are way too deserving of love to be treated with anything less, not by forcing him or being stern, but by really enjoying him and playing and laughing as much as possible. Making each minute as positive and loving as you can. Getting down on his level and staying there. Making violence towards you or anyone else something he can't recall used to be an option.Throw the average child rearing practices books to the side for now and pick up the ones that offer advice for your situation, connect with your son in as many fun ways as you can. I have always been an advocate of therapy when its needed. If your son runs into trouble in a few years do not be afraid to get guidance. It can make the difference for him later on. My brother also didn't get that but I made sure when I got separated my son did have it. My brother often remarks he wishes he had received this extra help when he was a teen and needed it. Makes a rougher road less bumpy than it has to be.The proactive method I advise starts with you. At three there is still so much time to make violence a distant almost non-memory for your son. The cycle breaks, with you.

Red Sox said... Single mom of 10 yr old boy...

Okay - first time I have ever done this (posting a comment). Single mom of 10 yr old boy, 9 yr old girl. No financial or family support, dad is abusive alcoholic, he still sees the kids intermittently and I wrestle with whether or not that is a wise decision on my part. (he becomes verbally abusive in front of them frequently when he is here - i don't let them go to his place (dump)so 3 out of 4 times we see him I have to ask him to leave)ANYWAY - I couldn't agree more about relating to my son on his own terms.We seem to be breaking all the sterotypes. My little guy is happy, engaged, a great student, involved in sports, many friends and a terrific son. I think it is because I have spent alot of time wading in swamps, catching crayfish, learning how to play baseball, have lots of kids related parties at my house, volunteering with them. I will admit that i have molded my entire life around single parenting. Quit my professional job to work at home so they could come home after school, run a brownie troop for my daugher and am manager for my son's baseball league. I have no life of my own, no dating, don't want it, but wonder if that is bad too. Also live in a suburb with very few single parents and have sometimes felt very isolated and maybe even scorned a bit (so 1950's), but I laugh even louder and cheer even more on the sidelines when i feel that way. I pray that he will grow into a man who will honor and respect women, children and the family. I won't know for years. I am very nervous about puberty. Mostly what I need is other parents, probably moms, who can share in some of my anxiety and that I can talk with.

Anonymous - in strugle

Anonymous said...
I am a single/divorced mother of a daughter 22(does not live at home) and a son 18 (senior in high school). I thought I had concerns about my daughter, but the concerns I have for my son far outweigh those that I had for her.I've been divorced for about 14 years. My son was turning 3 when we moved in with my parents. For the next five years, my father was his male role model. I obviously made the mistake of moving after five years. It seems that I should have stayed with them so that my son would have continued to have a good male role model. I'm not sure anymore. I felt that moving out would be the only way to stop my ex-husband from terrorizing my parents and it worked. Courts don't care and most criminal behavior of a domestic nature never gets enforced. It truly is pitiful.I was not a mom who could get involved with the masculine side of things, as I was always working to keep myself and my children sheltered, clothed, and fed.The problem that has arisen and has been rising over the past almost ten years, is that my son is very angry and has been mildly violent toward me; very destructive in my home; refuses to accept blame for anything he ruins; is very verbally abusive to me, and only me. I truly fear for his future. Yet, people are always complimenting me on him. He will not get any help/therapy, and will not have any heart to heart talks with me so that I can find a way to help him. He only comes to me civilly when he wants something or has a problem. I'm really at my wits end and was happy to find this site, because I don't know how it is all going to go for him.Over the years, I have understood why he would sleep over his friends' houses who had their dads. Interestingly, though, he has learned that not all dads are what he thought they should be. His father, I think has his own problems. He has no clue as to how to parent, because he does not care and it has become very evident to both my children that he is not someone they can rely on. Me on the other hand, they rely on totally. I don't even mind that at all, but I do have a problem with the anger, language and violence and constantly live in fear of my own son, because I don't know what is going to make him blow. Usually he is ok, but he gets so nasty without any provocation. But I think he perceives my caring/questionning as provocation to anger. As long as he is getting what he wants at the time, he's ok. I don't necessarily mean material things; more like responses or emotional/perceptual things. There are times when I go off, because of coming home to my home being totally destroyed; his friends laying all over my furniture; piles of dishes in the sink, etc... (summer vacation-nightmare time), but by and large, I leave him be to come and go as he pleases. Many times I feel that not talking at all is just not right. He's not a big talker except to his girlfriend. This is the first time he has had a steady girlfriend and he is going to be a senior in high school. He's very good looking and an athlete; and smarter than he allows himself to realize.He also has ideas about careers but does not share them with me.The problem I have with his father is that he encourages destructive behaviors. For example, my son knows I don't want him to get any tatoos, but I know that the day he turns 18, he will surely get one. He also knows I do not approve of ear piercing, but he went and had his ears pierced. I don't obsess about these things, because I know that when he's tired of them, he will let them go, but his father encourages these things, because he knows I don't want them to happen. For some young men, these things are passing fads and art appreciation; but for those young men who are trying to identify with their masculinity, they make these outrageous attempts to do so and still remain angry and never come to know why. They refuse to address the real problem.He recently had a major football injury which is precluding his playing football in his senior year (a major emotional setback). He's working through it, but I know it is making him angry. I have tried to give him some pearls of wisdom in that when some doors close others open and even though unfortunate things happen, there is always a reason and we have to find the good in all things and all the positives we can make from unfortunate events. Very cliche, I know.My main problem is his anger and violent tendencies so much so that I don't want him living with me after he graduates high school. How awful is that? I never thought I would feel this way about the "best baby in the world." He truly was a Godsend. He played, he slept, he ate, he grew and was always good natured; never cranky, played well with other children, even as a baby. This is why it hurts so much; I never expected this from such a wonderful little boy.Ok, I'm sitting at my desk writing this, in tears. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to write to me or post a comment back. Thank you for allowing all this space to write all of this.