What works and what does not work for raising sons?
What works and what does not work for, single mothers/parents, raising sons?
You can email us at women@toinquire.com or click the comment area on this post.
I also would like to state another reference: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SingleMomsOnaMission/
(The Magazine For Single Moms & Dads is featured Free On-line)
I am looking for a woman to write a book on this topic. Several have shown interest and the first one that actually starts writing and producing copy I will view as the primary author, assuming they make constant progress. I want this book to exist in the world and will offer free help with it. What's in it for me? Progress on my own personal mission of supporting people in having more meaningful lives and if they want to contribute some recognition to my contribution and the Women's Inquiry that would be welcome but not required for help.
Thanks
Martin Brossman
Founder of the Men's & Women's Inquiry
martin@coachingsupport.com
Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons: http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/
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1 comment:
I am a single/divorced mother of a daughter 22(does not live at home) and a son 18 (senior in high school). I thought I had concerns about my daughter, but the concerns I have for my son far outweigh those that I had for her.
I've been divorced for about 14 years. My son was turning 3 when we moved in with my parents. For the next five years, my father was his male role model. I obviously made the mistake of moving after five years. It seems that I should have stayed with them so that my son would have continued to have a good male role model. I'm not sure anymore. I felt that moving out would be the only way to stop my ex-husband from terrorizing my parents and it worked. Courts don't care and most criminal behavior of a domestic nature never gets enforced. It truly is pitiful.
I was not a mom who could get involved with the masculine side of things, as I was always working to keep myself and my children sheltered, clothed, and fed.
The problem that has arisen and has been rising over the past almost ten years, is that my son is very angry and has been mildly violent toward me; very destructive in my home; refuses to accept blame for anything he ruins; is very verbally abusive to me, and only me. I truly fear for his future. Yet, people are always complimenting me on him. He will not get any help/therapy, and will not have any heart to heart talks with me so that I can find a way to help him. He only comes to me civilly when he wants something or has a problem.
I'm really at my wits end and was happy to find this site, because I don't know how it is all going to go for him.
Over the years, I have understood why he would sleep over his friends' houses who had their dads. Interestingly, though, he has learned that not all dads are what he thought they should be.
His father, I think has his own problems. He has no clue as to how to parent, because he does not care and it has become very evident to both my children that he is not someone they can rely on. Me on the other hand, they rely on totally. I don't even mind that at all, but I do have a problem with the anger, language and violence and constantly live in fear of my own son, because I don't know what is going to make him blow. Usually he is ok, but he gets so nasty without any provocation. But I think he perceives my caring/questionning as provocation to anger. As long as he is getting what he wants at the time, he's ok. I don't necessarily mean material things; more like responses or emotional/perceptual things.
There are times when I go off, because of coming home to my home being totally destroyed; his friends laying all over my furniture; piles of dishes in the sink, etc... (summer vacation-nightmare time), but by and large, I leave him be to come and go as he pleases. Many times I feel that not talking at all is just not right. He's not a big talker except to his girlfriend. This is the first time he has had a steady girlfriend and he is going to be a senior in high school. He's very good looking and an athlete; and smarter than he allows himself to realize.
He also has ideas about careers but does not share them with me.
The problem I have with his father is that he encourages destructive behaviors. For example, my son knows I don't want him to get any tatoos, but I know that the day he turns 18, he will surely get one. He also knows I do not approve of ear piercing, but he went and had his ears pierced. I don't obsess about these things, because I know that when he's tired of them, he will let them go, but his father encourages these things, because he knows I don't want them to happen. For some young men, these things are passing fads and art appreciation; but for those young men who are trying to identify with their masculinity, they make these outrageous attempts to do so and still remain angry and never come to know why. They refuse to address the real problem.
He recently had a major football injury which is precluding his playing football in his senior year (a major emotional setback). He's working through it, but I know it is making him angry. I have tried to give him some pearls of wisdom in that when some doors close others open and even though unfortunate things happen, there is always a reason and we have to find the good in all things and all the positives we can make from unfortunate events. Very cliche, I know.
My main problem is his anger and violent tendencies so much so that I don't want him living with me after he graduates high school. How awful is that? I never thought I would feel this way about the "best baby in the world." He truly was a Godsend. He played, he slept, he ate, he grew and was always good natured; never cranky, played well with other children, even as a baby. This is why it hurts so much; I never expected this from such a wonderful little boy.
Ok, I'm sitting at my desk writing this, in tears. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to write to me or post a comment back. My email is daranguren@tellurian.com.
Thank you for allowing all this space to write all of this.
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