Anonymous said...
I am a single/divorced mother of a daughter 22(does not live at home) and a son 18 (senior in high school). I thought I had concerns about my daughter, but the concerns I have for my son far outweigh those that I had for her.I've been divorced for about 14 years. My son was turning 3 when we moved in with my parents. For the next five years, my father was his male role model. I obviously made the mistake of moving after five years. It seems that I should have stayed with them so that my son would have continued to have a good male role model. I'm not sure anymore. I felt that moving out would be the only way to stop my ex-husband from terrorizing my parents and it worked. Courts don't care and most criminal behavior of a domestic nature never gets enforced. It truly is pitiful.I was not a mom who could get involved with the masculine side of things, as I was always working to keep myself and my children sheltered, clothed, and fed.The problem that has arisen and has been rising over the past almost ten years, is that my son is very angry and has been mildly violent toward me; very destructive in my home; refuses to accept blame for anything he ruins; is very verbally abusive to me, and only me. I truly fear for his future. Yet, people are always complimenting me on him. He will not get any help/therapy, and will not have any heart to heart talks with me so that I can find a way to help him. He only comes to me civilly when he wants something or has a problem. I'm really at my wits end and was happy to find this site, because I don't know how it is all going to go for him.Over the years, I have understood why he would sleep over his friends' houses who had their dads. Interestingly, though, he has learned that not all dads are what he thought they should be. His father, I think has his own problems. He has no clue as to how to parent, because he does not care and it has become very evident to both my children that he is not someone they can rely on. Me on the other hand, they rely on totally. I don't even mind that at all, but I do have a problem with the anger, language and violence and constantly live in fear of my own son, because I don't know what is going to make him blow. Usually he is ok, but he gets so nasty without any provocation. But I think he perceives my caring/questionning as provocation to anger. As long as he is getting what he wants at the time, he's ok. I don't necessarily mean material things; more like responses or emotional/perceptual things. There are times when I go off, because of coming home to my home being totally destroyed; his friends laying all over my furniture; piles of dishes in the sink, etc... (summer vacation-nightmare time), but by and large, I leave him be to come and go as he pleases. Many times I feel that not talking at all is just not right. He's not a big talker except to his girlfriend. This is the first time he has had a steady girlfriend and he is going to be a senior in high school. He's very good looking and an athlete; and smarter than he allows himself to realize.He also has ideas about careers but does not share them with me.The problem I have with his father is that he encourages destructive behaviors. For example, my son knows I don't want him to get any tatoos, but I know that the day he turns 18, he will surely get one. He also knows I do not approve of ear piercing, but he went and had his ears pierced. I don't obsess about these things, because I know that when he's tired of them, he will let them go, but his father encourages these things, because he knows I don't want them to happen. For some young men, these things are passing fads and art appreciation; but for those young men who are trying to identify with their masculinity, they make these outrageous attempts to do so and still remain angry and never come to know why. They refuse to address the real problem.He recently had a major football injury which is precluding his playing football in his senior year (a major emotional setback). He's working through it, but I know it is making him angry. I have tried to give him some pearls of wisdom in that when some doors close others open and even though unfortunate things happen, there is always a reason and we have to find the good in all things and all the positives we can make from unfortunate events. Very cliche, I know.My main problem is his anger and violent tendencies so much so that I don't want him living with me after he graduates high school. How awful is that? I never thought I would feel this way about the "best baby in the world." He truly was a Godsend. He played, he slept, he ate, he grew and was always good natured; never cranky, played well with other children, even as a baby. This is why it hurts so much; I never expected this from such a wonderful little boy.Ok, I'm sitting at my desk writing this, in tears. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to write to me or post a comment back. Thank you for allowing all this space to write all of this.
I am a single/divorced mother of a daughter 22(does not live at home) and a son 18 (senior in high school). I thought I had concerns about my daughter, but the concerns I have for my son far outweigh those that I had for her.I've been divorced for about 14 years. My son was turning 3 when we moved in with my parents. For the next five years, my father was his male role model. I obviously made the mistake of moving after five years. It seems that I should have stayed with them so that my son would have continued to have a good male role model. I'm not sure anymore. I felt that moving out would be the only way to stop my ex-husband from terrorizing my parents and it worked. Courts don't care and most criminal behavior of a domestic nature never gets enforced. It truly is pitiful.I was not a mom who could get involved with the masculine side of things, as I was always working to keep myself and my children sheltered, clothed, and fed.The problem that has arisen and has been rising over the past almost ten years, is that my son is very angry and has been mildly violent toward me; very destructive in my home; refuses to accept blame for anything he ruins; is very verbally abusive to me, and only me. I truly fear for his future. Yet, people are always complimenting me on him. He will not get any help/therapy, and will not have any heart to heart talks with me so that I can find a way to help him. He only comes to me civilly when he wants something or has a problem. I'm really at my wits end and was happy to find this site, because I don't know how it is all going to go for him.Over the years, I have understood why he would sleep over his friends' houses who had their dads. Interestingly, though, he has learned that not all dads are what he thought they should be. His father, I think has his own problems. He has no clue as to how to parent, because he does not care and it has become very evident to both my children that he is not someone they can rely on. Me on the other hand, they rely on totally. I don't even mind that at all, but I do have a problem with the anger, language and violence and constantly live in fear of my own son, because I don't know what is going to make him blow. Usually he is ok, but he gets so nasty without any provocation. But I think he perceives my caring/questionning as provocation to anger. As long as he is getting what he wants at the time, he's ok. I don't necessarily mean material things; more like responses or emotional/perceptual things. There are times when I go off, because of coming home to my home being totally destroyed; his friends laying all over my furniture; piles of dishes in the sink, etc... (summer vacation-nightmare time), but by and large, I leave him be to come and go as he pleases. Many times I feel that not talking at all is just not right. He's not a big talker except to his girlfriend. This is the first time he has had a steady girlfriend and he is going to be a senior in high school. He's very good looking and an athlete; and smarter than he allows himself to realize.He also has ideas about careers but does not share them with me.The problem I have with his father is that he encourages destructive behaviors. For example, my son knows I don't want him to get any tatoos, but I know that the day he turns 18, he will surely get one. He also knows I do not approve of ear piercing, but he went and had his ears pierced. I don't obsess about these things, because I know that when he's tired of them, he will let them go, but his father encourages these things, because he knows I don't want them to happen. For some young men, these things are passing fads and art appreciation; but for those young men who are trying to identify with their masculinity, they make these outrageous attempts to do so and still remain angry and never come to know why. They refuse to address the real problem.He recently had a major football injury which is precluding his playing football in his senior year (a major emotional setback). He's working through it, but I know it is making him angry. I have tried to give him some pearls of wisdom in that when some doors close others open and even though unfortunate things happen, there is always a reason and we have to find the good in all things and all the positives we can make from unfortunate events. Very cliche, I know.My main problem is his anger and violent tendencies so much so that I don't want him living with me after he graduates high school. How awful is that? I never thought I would feel this way about the "best baby in the world." He truly was a Godsend. He played, he slept, he ate, he grew and was always good natured; never cranky, played well with other children, even as a baby. This is why it hurts so much; I never expected this from such a wonderful little boy.Ok, I'm sitting at my desk writing this, in tears. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, please feel free to write to me or post a comment back. Thank you for allowing all this space to write all of this.
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3 comments:
I am single and raising my 7 yr old son all by myself. He already shows these traits. His dad was abusive towards me and now my son does the same thing. Now his father has lost all rights to him because of alcohol and drug abuse. My son desperately needs a positive male role model in his life. I just can't be what he needs. My 7year old son would rather go to kid bootcamp than live with me. I'm more afraid of myself than I am him right now, but I know he's just going to get bigger and eventually I will live in fear. How can I stop this NOW? He doesn't listen, he talks back, tries to hit me, etc. Time outs don't hold a candle to him, taking away his toys? He dosn't care. Therefore I have to ground him from playing outside with his friends, (the only thing he does care about) and then I'm stuck with him all day in the house with his foul mouth and anger towards me. HELP!
There was a phrase "Children of single parents get into gangs and drugs." Not really. I have been a single parent for 23yrs and I have raised my 24yr old son by my lonesome. The reason why I decided to get my divorce was because when the pushing and shoving came into the picture and I saw my one year old raise his hand to me...that's when I decided to get out of that relationship. My thoughts were how am I going to raise a son. Who can I get as his role model? Well, not his father, not his godfather, not his uncles...who? When he got older, I apologized for the male figures in his life, but the only one I could say he could count on was God. I went to a parenting class and what I got out of that was be consistent and be honest with your child. OK, when my son was 4, he said a bad word which he learned at the daycare. I told him I was going to wash his mouth with soap. Oh my gosh! Why did I say that cause now I am going to have to do it! Yes, I did it and to this day I have not heard him say a bad word...not with me! I went to a single parent get-together at a church. I thought why should I even bother, I am already a veteran at being a single parent. What I got out of that was, there are many single parents, and the speaker said 'We are heroes for taking that responsibility and doing our best with what we know and have. I remember my mom being loving and a disciplinarian. There does have to be a balance. Love, discipline and prayer...play...get water squirters and chase each other. Is he into sports? Sign him up. You say you can't be what he needs. I believe you can.
Hello. I am a single parent of a 6year old boy. I am not with his father and my son and his father do not have any contact. That in itself presents other problems that I am just starting to recognize and deal with and I can discuss those at a later time. However, I would like to comment on the two mom's that are having discipline problems with their sons. First as women and mothers - we talk TOO much. We try an negotiate and let our children run our lives and we tend to reward bad behavior. What ever you say you are going to do you have to follow through. A male friend of mine game me some wonderful advice. He said, I tell my son the cause and effect of his actions. If he does this - then I will do that. Period and then I follow through and do it. In regards to the 17 years old - he is almost grown now. However, there is NO way I'm going to pay for food, housing, clothing, etc and have a bad kid running my house and I am especially not going to be afraid in my own house. Little boys turn into men. Little boys and teenages try to see just how far they can go. At some point - mother of the 17 year old - your son is going to hit you. You still may be able to get your leverage back. Stop buying food, stop buying clothes, stop arguing - get on the defensive. Why are you afaid in your own house? You wouldn't let a stranger just up and walk in your house and take it over - why are you letting your son do it. Say what you mean and do it. To the mother of the 7 year old - if you are having problems know what are you going to do when he is big enough to hit you. You can take control back too by saying what you mean and following through. You have to be consistent. No is No. In the old days - parents discliplined their children - now parents want to be friends with their kids. Guess what - you cannot be friends with your children. You are their protectors, their providers, and we love them - but we cannot be their friends - it does not work as you can see. Finally, I feel that my ultimate responsibility with my son is to raise a son that is spiritual and knows God, that is mannerable and to provide him with the best education and social situations so that he can grow into a good man that is worthy to take a wife and raise a family. How we raise our sons has the potential of affecting generations after generations. Remember - that men that have bad relationships with their mothers tend to have bad relationships with women in general. So now is the time for you to suck it up, stop talking and do what you say you are going to do. You are the parent, and your child is exactly that - a child. Treat them like a child. For the mom of the 7 year old - you do not let your son hit you even for play. That is definitely something that is not to be tolerated.
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