Friday, March 09, 2007

As I read all your blogs, I found myself identifying with almost all of what you are saying.

As I read all your blogs, I found myself identifying with almost all of what you are saying. You are strong, resourceful women who have made Heaven and Earth move to be there for your sons. First, let me say how very proud I am to be with you on this journey. A few years ago, I did a lot of searching for something like this, and what I found fell sadly short of what I needed. It sounds like you, for the most part, found that you had a more masculine side of yourself. That is cool! For me, that has never come easy. I was never athletic or sports oriented, but I support the sports or teams my boys chose. Last fall, they were in Tennis and Track. The running was pretty hectic, but it was worth it!

I also made use of my brother in law, their only Uncle. It worked as best it could, considering he had some issues, too. I told the truth about the situation as it unfolded. I think it is okay to point out the good and the "traits that may not bring them what they want" in other men. I love my Dad and my brother in law, but when there were characteristics displayed that I hoped my boys would not replicate, I told them why. They generally agreed. One thing I noticed is that my brother often told them it was okay to break my rules. They were allowed to do things with my brother that I would NEVER consider, such as jump into the river or the Lake for a swim, without him, no less! (Now I do not mean a shallow tame little body of water either. We lived near The Blue Water Bridge in MI - they jumped in where freighters, fish, and undertow are all factors!) Uncle Mike took them to them to events, sometimes with his best friend, and the four of them did have fun. My partner, who has made things infinitely easier for me, says that breaking out is just something that guys do, that fathers say, "Don't tell your mom". (hmm maybe so, but if I had a husband, I would not love that.) Still, our boys will end up with primarily our values, so can someone else really change who they will be?

I would like to suggest that things do happen naturally, sometimes. I had begged for men to participate in my boys lives, and got nowhere. Eventually, my brother in law and his best friend did give my guys a lot of what they craved and needed. I learned, and am still learning that I have to trust that there is something else at work here greater than me. Also, that as good as I had become at managing everything, I did not have to micro manage my boys becoming men; that the process was going to happen on it's own. I believe that as long as we support that process, and believe in it, we will put less stress on ourselves.

So many of the things you said rang true for me as well. Anger outbursts. Disrespect. Yet compliments from others at how well behaved they were. Fear of what now- now that they are bigger than me, taller than me, and very soon will be "able to take me". I have always said, " Don't challenge me. I will win. You may think you can get away with it. (They would run or hit at me) But you better think. You have to sleep some time. AND I decide when you get your driver's license. (and pay for _____)" I also remind them that it is my job to be the drill sarge at times, that it is my job to make sure they learn respect and self discipline. That I would not be doing my job if I let them skate by on less.

Yes, it is a hard process, Ladies, but it is also a very rewarding one. Many nights, I have blamed myself, and felt like a failure. I also committed myself to the process over again immediately. Successful people are only people who have not been afraid to fail. So whether you feel like you are on top of things, or that things are on top of you just now, please know that your boys are worth it. Do something different. Do something fun this weekend, and know that it may feel like it's all on you, but you can trust the process and breathe a sigh of relief. You don't have to do everything, and you don't have to get everything right.

Single Mother's (Single Parent) Raising Sons:


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

hi there single mom of five sons. I am a single mom of just one 14 year old and he tests me to the limits some days! So I just wanted to send you lots and lots of courage, good will and belief that you can do it. It is hellish some days. I don't have any support either, except for the kind words of some good friends, but know that you aren't alone. There are lots of brave, exhausted women clinging to good humour and some inner steel out there. Hopefully some day our sons will thank us for it, by being fine young men. Hang in there!