Thursday, May 01, 2008

Whatever you say you are going to do..DO!

Anonymous said...
Hello. I am a single parent of a 6year old boy. I am not with his father and my son and his father do not have any contact. That in itself presents other problems that I am just starting to recognize and deal with and I can discuss those at a later time. However, I would like to comment on the two mom's that are having discipline problems with their sons. First as women and mothers - we talk TOO much. We try an negotiate and let our children run our lives and we tend to reward bad behavior. What ever you say you are going to do you have to follow through. A male friend of mine game me some wonderful advice. He said, I tell my son the cause and effect of his actions. If he does this - then I will do that. Period and then I follow through and do it. In regards to the 17 years old - he is almost grown now. However, there is NO way I'm going to pay for food, housing, clothing, etc and have a bad kid running my house and I am especially not going to be afraid in my own house. Little boys turn into men. Little boys and teenages try to see just how far they can go. At some point - mother of the 17 year old - your son is going to hit you. You still may be able to get your leverage back. Stop buying food, stop buying clothes, stop arguing - get on the defensive. Why are you afaid in your own house? You wouldn't let a stranger just up and walk in your house and take it over - why are you letting your son do it. Say what you mean and do it. To the mother of the 7 year old - if you are having problems know what are you going to do when he is big enough to hit you. You can take control back too by saying what you mean and following through. You have to be consistent. No is No. In the old days - parents discliplined their children - now parents want to be friends with their kids. Guess what - you cannot be friends with your children. You are their protectors, their providers, and we love them - but we cannot be their friends - it does not work as you can see. Finally, I feel that my ultimate responsibility with my son is to raise a son that is spiritual and knows God, that is mannerable and to provide him with the best education and social situations so that he can grow into a good man that is worthy to take a wife and raise a family. How we raise our sons has the potential of affecting generations after generations. Remember - that men that have bad relationships with their mothers tend to have bad relationships with women in general. So now is the time for you to suck it up, stop talking and do what you say you are going to do. You are the parent, and your child is exactly that - a child. Treat them like a child. For the mom of the 7 year old - you do not let your son hit you even for play. That is definitely something that is not to be tolerated.

6 comments:

max said...

Hi,

I grew up as a reluctant reader. Now I write action-adventures & mysteries, especially for boys 8 and up, that kids hate to put down. My web site is at http://www.maxbooks.9k.com and my Books for Boys blog is at http://booksandboys.blogspot.com
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Max Elliot Anderson

One said...

Hi there it would be really interesting if you started a discussion on our new website, solely for single parents. Please go to www.onespace.org.uk and have a look around and let us know what you think :)

Anonymous said...

First of all you can say you will do this and that, but you truly don't know what you will do until you go through it. I raised my sons by myself, their dad was in the picture to buy them all they wanted and come get them when mom told them they couldn't do something. Recently my 16 year old tried to tell me he was the boss and when I layed down the law he tried to kill me. I kicked him out and told him he is not allowed back in my house until I can trust him and he has respect for me. Yea, I regained my house, but the cost was high and is hard. He was big in church, so don't think going to church will make them good, it helps, but it doesn't mean they won't stray from the Lord. I've cried for days on end, I can't look at his room and the last I heard from him I was dead to him. I did so much for him, loved him, and I punished him when he did wrong. Yet he still changed. No one is perfect, you will find you have a lot to learn as a mother. Your child is young you have no idea what is ahead of you and you may think you can do it all the right way, but as a mother I can tell you there is no exact right way, each child is different. You will learn this and I hope not the hard way.

T.S. said...

Well, I agree with most of this, but I must say that it is not inevitable as a single mother that "one day your son is going to hit you." One thing we seem to have overlooked in our modern parenting practices--single or no--is the importance of respect. We spend too much time placating and negotiating with our children and not enough time fostering the respect that is necessary for them to listen to us in the first place. A solid moral foundation and consistency in our actions, both toward our children and in other aspects of our lives, is the basis for forming this respect. Do that and everything else becomes easier.

DD in Oregon said...

I agree with T.S. It is NOT inevitable that your son is going to hit you. I have a 17 1/2 year old. I have always taught him that it is totally okay to be angry. It is how he handles his anger that is important. He had a temper when he was younger (5-9). I told him it was not okay to throw a fit in the common areas of the house. I was very supportive of him going into his room and punching a pillow or screaming into the pillow. He did this several times throughout and up to adolescents. We have always been close as I have been a single mom since he was 1 1/2 years old. The last six months he has put me through hell. We went through lying, skipping school, taking my car without permission, totalling his truck, bad grades, etc. It has gotten pretty heated. Even when I was in his face, yelling, he never came close to hitting me. He has punched a hole in his bedroom door and one in the wall. I am okay with that for now. Ideally I would prefer he went for a run or some other physical activity. But at least he is not drinking or doing drugs. I do know that for a fact. My final recommendation, pray, a lot. Recognize what you can control and what you cannot. I wish you the best!

Anonymous said...

WRONG! My mom took the same approach you are and I resent her for it in every way. I am now 21 years old. You're not raising a daughter, you're raising a son. Get a male influence in his life and cut the God crap.