Hello,
I am trying to get my son to stand up for his self ( 10 years old). His father is selfish and in my son's life at his convinence. Sometimes I feel I am to hard on my son and then I just shut down. I can't get angry; nevertheless, I am doing the best I can. I try to talk to his dad but he is to concerned about his girlfriend.
I have been dealing with him for nine years and I am tired. I give up on his father and I told his father that! Lord I need some advice and help. I am a successful professional women and his father resents that! He often tell my son he has to much. Nevertheless he is no where around!
When I treat his father with kindness he acts like she just wants me. When I treat his father like he deserves to be treated his father says why am I so mean. I do not know!
Respectfully,
What to do
Please post comments and suggestions. You do not need to use your real name.
Monday, December 22, 2008
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6 comments:
I UNDERSTAND WHERE YEW ARE COMING FROM.
I HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD SON AND HIS FATHER HAS ONLY SEEN HIM ONE TIMES AND WHEN HE SEEN HIM HE TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT HIS SON WAS HIS. SO HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO GET A BLOOD TEST. SO WE GOT ONE AND HE SAYS WELL THE RESULTS WERE WRONG AND HE WASN'T THE FATHER! SO I TAKE CARE OF MY SON TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. AND MY SON ASKS ME " MOMMY WHERES MY DADDY?"
AND I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT DADDY IS SOME WHERE TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS AND HE SAYS WELL WHEN IS HE GOING TO COME AND SEE ME? AND I HAVE TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH THAT HES NOT COMING! AND I BREAK DOWN AND CRY. 2-9-09
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The good thing is that you are a succesful woman! Don't need the father... I will kill to have that independence...
Anyway problems with our sons we always had, have and will... even if you are not a single mother... The only concern you should have is your son, bit yourself until make him understand how much you need him to learn to take care of himself. And show him the example... YOU, don't have a better one? Stand by yourself in this too, just like you do with the money and the house... take care of yourself and show him how you do it. The father.. well have him like and ornament on the table like any other hollyday, it would look pretty but if you don't have it.. doesn't hurt.
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As for getting your son to stand up for himself, I would SUGGEST a role playing game with him.
To initiate, you could ask him what his main concerns are..ie bullying, cyber bullying, girls, friends, drugs... many issues to choose.
You allow him to be ANYONE else he chooses to be; in a safe environment (with you) and he can work through his thoughts while taking your feedback and words of support and encouragement. Once a situation arises; his mental notes of his encounter with you; can be quite enlightening to help him see the other views.
As for the father, the least contact the better, your son already has seen how his father is towards you and how his reactions are to your requests and his son's. Your son already knows where he stands with his father. I am sure you are a beautiful talented skilled mother who has to make the most out of this situation, but to accomplish this is to attempt one day at a time. The choices and decisions are yours to make for you and your son. Plus your son knows where he stands with you. I hope you are encouraged and God bless!
Psalms 22:6
Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older they will remain upon it.
As a single mother I've had a similar situation. A friend told me that I needed boundaries and that was really true. We as women always feel so responsible for everyone but that's not healthy and it just causes us a lot of stress. Learn about what it is to have healthy boundaries. You will start to have more respect for yourself and see things more clearly. Your son will also learn to respect you as a strong woman and he will learn what it is to be strong from your role modeling. It is not acceptable for his father to be irresponsible with his son. Tell the father that it's not acceptable and if he loves his son he will make a commitment to see him at specific committed times. If he won't comply than close the door. Don't fall for his sad stories, it's just a way to emotionally manipulate you. Irresponsible men will do what it takes to get away with whatever they can. If you allow it, it will continue. Unfortunately he is self-centred and immature and he needs to grow up. But he's not your responsibility and his relationship with his son is not your responsibility. You are doing the right thing because you are there for your son. Just value your relationship with your son. Love him and support him. Studies show that children do well if they have one responsible adult in their life they can rely on. Do fun things with your son and enjoy your time with him. Get him to participate in groups like scouts or something similar where there are good male role models. Let him experience a full life and he will be a productive person who will see life in a positive way. Also encourage your son to pray about the things on his heart and to turn to God's word. There are bibles that are specifically designed for boys that deal with issues that boys are interested in. Hope that helps.
I Am also i single mother of a bright 3 yr old son and his father as well is only worried about him and his current girlfriend. He tries to act nice but i feel as if he does it cause he doesn't want to hear all the wrong he's doin to his son...I've learned that this is not the way it should be and i am pursuing w. support through court...i still have a long road ahead of me and my son. I have to try my hardest to show him the correct way to be a loving and supportive parent. I am trying to move on....
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