Monday, December 22, 2008

I am trying to get my son to stand up for his self...

Hello,

I am trying to get my son to stand up for his self ( 10 years old). His father is selfish and in my son's life at his convinence. Sometimes I feel I am to hard on my son and then I just shut down. I can't get angry; nevertheless, I am doing the best I can. I try to talk to his dad but he is to concerned about his girlfriend.

I have been dealing with him for nine years and I am tired. I give up on his father and I told his father that! Lord I need some advice and help. I am a successful professional women and his father resents that! He often tell my son he has to much. Nevertheless he is no where around!

When I treat his father with kindness he acts like she just wants me. When I treat his father like he deserves to be treated his father says why am I so mean. I do not know!

Respectfully,
What to do

Please post comments and suggestions. You do not need to use your real name.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

I UNDERSTAND WHERE YEW ARE COMING FROM.
I HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD SON AND HIS FATHER HAS ONLY SEEN HIM ONE TIMES AND WHEN HE SEEN HIM HE TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT HIS SON WAS HIS. SO HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO GET A BLOOD TEST. SO WE GOT ONE AND HE SAYS WELL THE RESULTS WERE WRONG AND HE WASN'T THE FATHER! SO I TAKE CARE OF MY SON TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. AND MY SON ASKS ME " MOMMY WHERES MY DADDY?"
AND I HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT DADDY IS SOME WHERE TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS AND HE SAYS WELL WHEN IS HE GOING TO COME AND SEE ME? AND I HAVE TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH THAT HES NOT COMING! AND I BREAK DOWN AND CRY. 2-9-09

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Anonymous said...

The good thing is that you are a succesful woman! Don't need the father... I will kill to have that independence...

Anyway problems with our sons we always had, have and will... even if you are not a single mother... The only concern you should have is your son, bit yourself until make him understand how much you need him to learn to take care of himself. And show him the example... YOU, don't have a better one? Stand by yourself in this too, just like you do with the money and the house... take care of yourself and show him how you do it. The father.. well have him like and ornament on the table like any other hollyday, it would look pretty but if you don't have it.. doesn't hurt.

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Anonymous said...

As for getting your son to stand up for himself, I would SUGGEST a role playing game with him.
To initiate, you could ask him what his main concerns are..ie bullying, cyber bullying, girls, friends, drugs... many issues to choose.
You allow him to be ANYONE else he chooses to be; in a safe environment (with you) and he can work through his thoughts while taking your feedback and words of support and encouragement. Once a situation arises; his mental notes of his encounter with you; can be quite enlightening to help him see the other views.

As for the father, the least contact the better, your son already has seen how his father is towards you and how his reactions are to your requests and his son's. Your son already knows where he stands with his father. I am sure you are a beautiful talented skilled mother who has to make the most out of this situation, but to accomplish this is to attempt one day at a time. The choices and decisions are yours to make for you and your son. Plus your son knows where he stands with you. I hope you are encouraged and God bless!
Psalms 22:6
Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older they will remain upon it.

Anonymous said...

As a single mother I've had a similar situation. A friend told me that I needed boundaries and that was really true. We as women always feel so responsible for everyone but that's not healthy and it just causes us a lot of stress. Learn about what it is to have healthy boundaries. You will start to have more respect for yourself and see things more clearly. Your son will also learn to respect you as a strong woman and he will learn what it is to be strong from your role modeling. It is not acceptable for his father to be irresponsible with his son. Tell the father that it's not acceptable and if he loves his son he will make a commitment to see him at specific committed times. If he won't comply than close the door. Don't fall for his sad stories, it's just a way to emotionally manipulate you. Irresponsible men will do what it takes to get away with whatever they can. If you allow it, it will continue. Unfortunately he is self-centred and immature and he needs to grow up. But he's not your responsibility and his relationship with his son is not your responsibility. You are doing the right thing because you are there for your son. Just value your relationship with your son. Love him and support him. Studies show that children do well if they have one responsible adult in their life they can rely on. Do fun things with your son and enjoy your time with him. Get him to participate in groups like scouts or something similar where there are good male role models. Let him experience a full life and he will be a productive person who will see life in a positive way. Also encourage your son to pray about the things on his heart and to turn to God's word. There are bibles that are specifically designed for boys that deal with issues that boys are interested in. Hope that helps.

Anonymous said...

I Am also i single mother of a bright 3 yr old son and his father as well is only worried about him and his current girlfriend. He tries to act nice but i feel as if he does it cause he doesn't want to hear all the wrong he's doin to his son...I've learned that this is not the way it should be and i am pursuing w. support through court...i still have a long road ahead of me and my son. I have to try my hardest to show him the correct way to be a loving and supportive parent. I am trying to move on....

Sanyukta said...

You can make your son stand up for his self by making him responsible for certain things. He can be made responsible for certain chores in the house, simple chores. He should be told to complete school work by certain time. You can give him star for a task well done. When five stars are collected, give him a treat.
As for his father, get him out of your system. I see no reason why so much importance is given to him when he seems to do hardly anything.

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Inadvertently Domesticated said...

Just keep your principles in tact. Your concern should just be your son. You have no control over your son's father. So, set good examples for your child. Sooner or later, he'll see that you're a great parent and will take on the things he sees you do.

It really is complicated when parents separate. There are just too much emotions all up in the air. Keep your calm.

Joan (single parents) Minch said...

I understand the feeling. Most single moms strive hard to teach their sons to defend themselves, especially if anybody else around bully them because of the reason that they have no father. However, teaching them to avenge may not be good. The best thing to do is to explain to him that he should not get those annoying people get into his nerves. Ignore, that's the 1st step. Next, if the problems persist, tell him to speak to them calmly and tell them to mind their own businesses. Tell him to never start a fight because it will just cause him more trouble.

Also, for the son's father, I agree with "Anonymous". The least contact the better. Explain to your son that everything between you and his father is no longer working because you both already moved on and it's hard to pretend. Friends, yes.. but no more than that. Tell him he shouldn't expect more than what you and his father is having right now. I think your son would understand that.

connie said...

this is a wonderful site. I just started my own blog about my experiences and (wisdom- lol - sometimes) raising two boys by myself. I am thinking of adding something to my site where people can ask questions, too, about parenting. I like the way your site is set up! My name is Connie and here is my link: http://www.godandraisingchildrenalone.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Mom it is normal to feel the way you do. As long as you continue to love your son, you cannot be too hard on him. Recommend you place your son in a Marital Art, or boxing class, these classes will teach him disciplines and how to stand up for himself. In addition, recommend you read this book: Raising Him Alone by David Miller and Matthew P. Stevens. Stop asking the father for help, recommend you get your brothers, uncles, or a man from your church to help you. They can be a mentor to your son.

Ironman

cloverberet said...

Most importantly, do not say anything negative about his father. Share some of the positive encounters you and the father experienced at the beginning. Let your son know the positive traits his father has.That way he can see that you have more important things to think about then the negative past. My son is now over 18yrs. I too am a single. (divorced) mother. Thus-far it's been a success story.
Do your best not to let your son overhearing you say negative things about his dad to anyone. Remember 50% of who your son's psychological growth his father's.
If we say negative things about the father, that's all the son has to rely on to shape his core mindset. I'm not saying any of this is you.
Our son loves his father. It took almost 10yrs for the verbal tantrum to dissipate. Sometimes getting over a seperation is very hard. One or the other chooses to vent the anger by putting the other down. Unfortunantly the child suffers and unknowingly is forced to take a side.
Hopefully you can invite the father to coffee so just the two of you can talk,("a just to touch base," scenario). Let him know that you only say positive things about him to you-all's son. Maybe the father will get the hint and will stop saying negative things about you to your son.
Sometimes you have to break it down, or not. I hope this helped.

Anonymous said...

It seems you have alot of issues with the Father. You are not even mentioning your son. Everything is about his Father. First you need to deal with your issues about his father and then you will be more focused on your son. Why are you so focused on his father?

Financial aid for single mothers said...

I think you do right things, Teach your son to choose the right path, and when he is older he will remain upon it.

single parent said...

I also have a son, and to get him to stand up for himself I tell him every day how much I love him, how clever he is (I don't overdo it!), how big and strong he is, etc, etc, etc - I just do my best to build up his confidence and let him know that I am there for him all the time, for everything that he needs. He is still young (only 2 and a half) but I know that if I make this a habit with him, he will become comfortable with the ideas, and hopefully one day, if he's ever put into the same position that your son is, he will be able to deal with it.

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