Hello,
I am trying to get my son to stand up for his self ( 10 years old). His father is selfish and in my son's life at his convinence. Sometimes I feel I am to hard on my son and then I just shut down. I can't get angry; nevertheless, I am doing the best I can. I try to talk to his dad but he is to concerned about his girlfriend.
I have been dealing with him for nine years and I am tired. I give up on his father and I told his father that! Lord I need some advice and help. I am a successful professional women and his father resents that! He often tell my son he has to much. Nevertheless he is no where around!
When I treat his father with kindness he acts like she just wants me. When I treat his father like he deserves to be treated his father says why am I so mean. I do not know!
Respectfully,
What to do
Please post comments and suggestions. You do not need to use your real name.
Showing posts with label "Single Mother's Rasing Son's". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Single Mother's Rasing Son's". Show all posts
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
A message that we have senT to many boys..
What is the message we send boys about being a mature man?
A possible message that we have sent to many boys (posted to encourage discussion). The person that posted the quoted material requested to be anonymous:
"Hello little boy, we want you to grow up to be a good man but we won't be clear what that is... We will tell you all that’s wrong with just being a man but hide the unique value. Oh by the way, you can get a clear image of being a "bad guy" everywhere. And it is good to be in-touch with your feminine side but your wife may hate you for it in the long run. Also, if you show any aggression or too much exuberance as a boy we will send you to the principal. We will ring all the passion out of you if it looks in any way like aggression then wonder why you don’t take enough initiative in life. As your sex drive develops we will just tell you it is bad and shame you about it, forcing it into the shadows. Don't you realize you are the "privileged one", you have everything, don't you feel it? You are male so you have all the power and are to blame for all the problems. "
Is that not the signal we send when we have not answered the following questions?
A possible message that we have sent to many boys (posted to encourage discussion). The person that posted the quoted material requested to be anonymous:
"Hello little boy, we want you to grow up to be a good man but we won't be clear what that is... We will tell you all that’s wrong with just being a man but hide the unique value. Oh by the way, you can get a clear image of being a "bad guy" everywhere. And it is good to be in-touch with your feminine side but your wife may hate you for it in the long run. Also, if you show any aggression or too much exuberance as a boy we will send you to the principal. We will ring all the passion out of you if it looks in any way like aggression then wonder why you don’t take enough initiative in life. As your sex drive develops we will just tell you it is bad and shame you about it, forcing it into the shadows. Don't you realize you are the "privileged one", you have everything, don't you feel it? You are male so you have all the power and are to blame for all the problems. "
Is that not the signal we send when we have not answered the following questions?
What is the unique value of men?
What is the unique value of the masculine?
What is the unique value of fathers?
Are we afraid that just by exploring this it will take something away from women and children, instead of realizing that by NOT exploring this we already are taking something away from women and children?
Consider that when there is less room for the healthy masculine, there will be less room for the healthy feminine. Post your comments or email them to be posted to women@toinquire.com
Again this is presented for discussion not as some dogmatic fact. What is your reaction, experience, etc.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
A New book and post...Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today's Young African American Men
Author of: Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today's Young African American Men
RAISING CONFIDENT CHILDREN
By Kimberley R. Crouch
My eight year old son Julius’s confidence is quite remarkable. At 8, he believes he can do anything he sets his mind to. I sometimes sit in awe of the belief he has in himself. If you ask him, he will tell you he thinks he can do everything from fly an airplane to build a spaceship. The truth is most children my son’s age belief in their abilities are truly boundless. Most think they can do anything because they exhibit very little fear and trust themselves completely.
Unfortunately, much of this confidence dissipates as they progress towards adulthood because they begin to experience failure and setback and parents, teachers, and other meaningful adults in a quest to protect children from life’s failures unknowingly teach them cautious boundaries. The result is that children start to doubt themselves and never strive to strengthen their capabilities, which comes from making mistakes. In the end, these once confident children become cautious, predictable, risk averse adults. As an African-American mother, I think it’s particularly important that African-American parents do everything we can to ensure that our children feel empowered and confident because it provides the validation necessary to deal with challenges they will face as adults in a racist society.
There are three steps I think parents can take to ensure their children remain confident and empowered.
1. Recognize Failures as Opportunities To Learn. As adults, we should teach our children that mistakes are an acceptable part of life and that they provide the greatest opportunity to learn. As such, they are a key ingredient of success. Therefore, children should be encouraged to take appropriate risks even if they flounder because mistakes should be seen as opportunities to learn and not as signs of incompetence. The problem is that many well intentioned parents in an effort to protect their children encourage them to head in a different direction once a mistake is made and they never learn to strengthen their abilities and confidence. After all, the ability to persevere in the face of a mistake is a great confidence booster for children. The truth is mistakes define the event and not the person. It's not coincidence that the fine print of every stock advertisement states that past performance is not a predictor of future performance. Parents should instill this same sort of thinking with their children. This allows their children the freedom to move forward, strengthening their abilities and building their confidence without stifling their development.
2. Encourage Individuality. Too often in this day and age, parents, teachers and other
adults crave structure and order so much that they fail to recognize the uniqueness of each child and discourage their individuality. Successful kids, however, are often kids who understand their unique strengths and who are willing to step outside their comfort zone and challenge the status quo. They have minimal fear that their choice or decision is the most popular one. They listen to their own heart and they follow their beliefs. It’s very easy for parents and other adult caretakers to stifle this individuality because these types of independent minded children may be difficult as youngsters, and adults may view them as rebellious and disrespectful rather than as critical, free thinkers. But as parents, our job is to harness this individuality and channel it to create successful adults who have absolute comfort in who they are and their abilities. It is also our job to preserve their individuality and to fight for it even if other adults find it troublesome. As parents, we should always focus on our child’s unique strengths and successes and praise their talent and make them aware of their own worth.
3. Foster problem solving skills. As parents, we want to minimize any hurt or disappointment that our children may endure so we often interfere with their ability to fight their own battles. What we need to realize is that if our children do not learn to deal with their own problems when they are younger, then they won’t develop the problem solving skills or the confidence necessary to deal with tougher issues that may arise later in life. Allowing children to stand on their own and fight their own battles fosters problem solving skills that can build confidence in a way that nothing else can.
In the end, following these three steps will go a long way to helping raise, healthy confident kids.
Kimberley R. Crouch is the mother of two sons and the author of Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men.
By Kimberley R. Crouch
My eight year old son Julius’s confidence is quite remarkable. At 8, he believes he can do anything he sets his mind to. I sometimes sit in awe of the belief he has in himself. If you ask him, he will tell you he thinks he can do everything from fly an airplane to build a spaceship. The truth is most children my son’s age belief in their abilities are truly boundless. Most think they can do anything because they exhibit very little fear and trust themselves completely.
Unfortunately, much of this confidence dissipates as they progress towards adulthood because they begin to experience failure and setback and parents, teachers, and other meaningful adults in a quest to protect children from life’s failures unknowingly teach them cautious boundaries. The result is that children start to doubt themselves and never strive to strengthen their capabilities, which comes from making mistakes. In the end, these once confident children become cautious, predictable, risk averse adults. As an African-American mother, I think it’s particularly important that African-American parents do everything we can to ensure that our children feel empowered and confident because it provides the validation necessary to deal with challenges they will face as adults in a racist society.
There are three steps I think parents can take to ensure their children remain confident and empowered.
1. Recognize Failures as Opportunities To Learn. As adults, we should teach our children that mistakes are an acceptable part of life and that they provide the greatest opportunity to learn. As such, they are a key ingredient of success. Therefore, children should be encouraged to take appropriate risks even if they flounder because mistakes should be seen as opportunities to learn and not as signs of incompetence. The problem is that many well intentioned parents in an effort to protect their children encourage them to head in a different direction once a mistake is made and they never learn to strengthen their abilities and confidence. After all, the ability to persevere in the face of a mistake is a great confidence booster for children. The truth is mistakes define the event and not the person. It's not coincidence that the fine print of every stock advertisement states that past performance is not a predictor of future performance. Parents should instill this same sort of thinking with their children. This allows their children the freedom to move forward, strengthening their abilities and building their confidence without stifling their development.
2. Encourage Individuality. Too often in this day and age, parents, teachers and other
adults crave structure and order so much that they fail to recognize the uniqueness of each child and discourage their individuality. Successful kids, however, are often kids who understand their unique strengths and who are willing to step outside their comfort zone and challenge the status quo. They have minimal fear that their choice or decision is the most popular one. They listen to their own heart and they follow their beliefs. It’s very easy for parents and other adult caretakers to stifle this individuality because these types of independent minded children may be difficult as youngsters, and adults may view them as rebellious and disrespectful rather than as critical, free thinkers. But as parents, our job is to harness this individuality and channel it to create successful adults who have absolute comfort in who they are and their abilities. It is also our job to preserve their individuality and to fight for it even if other adults find it troublesome. As parents, we should always focus on our child’s unique strengths and successes and praise their talent and make them aware of their own worth.
3. Foster problem solving skills. As parents, we want to minimize any hurt or disappointment that our children may endure so we often interfere with their ability to fight their own battles. What we need to realize is that if our children do not learn to deal with their own problems when they are younger, then they won’t develop the problem solving skills or the confidence necessary to deal with tougher issues that may arise later in life. Allowing children to stand on their own and fight their own battles fosters problem solving skills that can build confidence in a way that nothing else can.
In the end, following these three steps will go a long way to helping raise, healthy confident kids.
Kimberley R. Crouch is the mother of two sons and the author of Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men.
Kimberley Crouch
Author, Mother To Son
http://www.blogger.com/www.kimcrouch.com
http://mothertoson.blogspot.com/
http://www.blogger.com/www.myspace.com/kimcrouch
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